Friday, March 17, 2006

The day after D-day

I feel blessed and I'm truly grateful. And I appreciate all of y'all thoughtfulness too, your sharing of my joy and your wishes. I felt the luurve.. and still feeling it !

I never knew one can go through that many kinds of emotions in one single day. Anxiety, nerves and fear accrued over 2 nights, culminating in restless slumber, really reared their ugly heads that morning. I was actually afraid that I might just pass out at the school's gate when the time comes.
Ironic that we had mood for Bak Kut Teh that morning before collecting them slips but we did.
We did the same when we went to collect our SPM results. I guess I was hoping that the Bak Kut Teh would extend the good luck that I had for SPM to cover STPM too. I mean, am I superstitious or what? I even wore something pinkish. I read somewhere my lucky colour's pink. Gosh.

Breakfast was a subdued affair, famished at first, but appetite quickly left. Imagine la, my hand was actually shaking as the hands of the clock that was directly in my line of sight starts moving towards 10.30 am.
Imagine getting a call from a teacher, the co-ordinator of Form Sixers who's in charge of obtaining our results, no less, during this time. Well, Yi Jiang did.
The teacher ended the call with, "You guys don't wanna know your results meh? It's out already!"
Not surprisingly, I did not finish my plate of rice.
Yi Jiang and I left for school first and I swear, it was the longest drive to school.

Throughout my life, I've always had other people telling me my results before I actually see it with my own 2 eyes. UPSR was Aaron's father, PMR was Pn Chalmah, SPM was Thava, and this time, STPM, it was Don and Gaya and teachers.
Before I had even stepped into the school compound Don was shouting our results from afar.
Thus, making it sort of anti-climatic when I actually opened the sealed slips.
(Yes, it was sealed, from 3 corners! I was like, "cannot open ! " )
Those who expected screaming and exclamations of joy were sorely disappointed.
Cool as cucumbers. Smooth.
But when I called my mom to tell her, the first person to know, I bawled.
I did !
Me, sim mei, actually cried.
My God.
Fortunately, I was in a corner so only a few teachers and a few friends saw.
I blame it on the lack of sleep.
Have I mentioned how grateful I am?
I am. I really am.

Now, I'm deciding on my future.
A future that is quite blurry, if not dark, and uncertain during these times, where you get disheartened by the numerous, numerous cases of brilliant students being denied places in not only prestigious universities, but universities, period.
Cases of them offering students who did well, unheard-of courses in universities flung to the other corner of Malaysia.
Cases of students giving up hope when hope is all they could hang on to. It's sad when the meaning of hope itself is so bullet-riddled by real life scenarios of injustice, the word itself cease to exist.
To those from whom this injustice is bred and very much alive : You're dealing with people, human resources, to build the whole nation upon. If you trade them for whatever reasons, it is yours to lose.
To no one in particular : Follow your heart and dreams,by all means do, but don't forget to wake up first.
My status now : Deciding whether to take this road or the next. Very much awake. Insomnia.

Thank you for your support dear, dear friends, beloved family and admired teachers.
I won't let you down.

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