Saturday, March 29, 2008

Friday Night

I Grew.

I flip through old photographs of me; I couldn’t recognize the girl in those pictures anymore.

I don’t feel like her, I may even be forgiven if I mistook her for a stranger.

You know deep down in you; that you somehow have a connection with her but you know for sure that she is not what you are today.

Do you remember how scared you were of something new?

Do you remember how unsure you were about being who you are?

That you were terrified, absolutely terrified that you will lose that eloquent self that you were.

Afraid that you find out that you were, in fact a hypocrite.

You find that you stumble upon pieces of yourself scattered everywhere.

You find a piece one day, the next; maybe the next week.

Uncertain of who you are morphing into,

Hoping and praying that she is a better person than who you were.

And you thought your soul-searching teenage days were over.

You were wrong my friend, you’re still growing.

And my friend, I think you secretly rejoice in the fact that you are; in fact, still growing.

No matter how freaking scary it is, a dark room, wondering if there is a candle at the end of your journey-that you will find your skin.

Your beautiful brown skin.

Neither white, nor ebony,

Your freaking brown-yellow skin.

And your beating, bloody heart.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Double, double, toil and trouble

Nah, kawan, dah update pun!

It has been a long, long time since I've had a weekend in which I don't have to study. I mean, it would be best to study but there is no freaking test waiting for me when sulk back to Uni so yeah read : bye bye books.

For 2 days at least.

2 days of pure bliss for my tired body and mind. Such sheer, unadulterated bliss that I slept purata 10 hours each night. Double that I would get back in ye ol' UM.
I would have slept longer if not for my dad's
"Wake up lor! It's already 1 pm forgoodnesssake!"
and mom's tut-tuts.

Almost tempted to retort,
"Aiya, dear mummy, my sleeping genes are from you."
One word that will forever remind me of a lecturer but that's another story.

So it was a weekend where I could do whatever I want and one which I felt propelled me to a new degree of independence and got me thinking about life in general, and in particular of a girl in her twenties. You see, I drove to Uni and back ON MY OWN for class on Friday.

You might be thinking, what's the big deal? You're already 22 years old for pete's sake.
Now, if you don't know me very well, or rather my parents very well, I am one of those who grew up in a very protective cocoon.
I'm not saying that it is necessarily a bad thing but sometimes I do feel that being brought up the way that I was brought up, granted, I'm not smoking pot or playing truant but I'm probably not that assertive as I would have been otherwise.
A few examples ,

" Where'd you wanna go?"
"Erm, anywhere."

"What do you wanna eat?"
"Erm, anything."

"You wanna jump off the cliff?"
"Erm, anything la. You want me to jump I'll jump."

I feel at times, that I'm the epitome of a crowd pleaser and some of the times, during those times, I just wish I could just give myself a big kick in the ass.
WTH? Cannot think for youself ar?!

And as silly and outrageous as it sounds, driving alone, to me actually forces you to be more decisive and therefore more independent. You see, it's solely your decision to speed, it's your decision to change lanes and you alone decide where you want to park and how you park it
You want to scratch your car? Go ahead, scratch away-more power to you, dude.
There is no one else to guide you and decide for you. You can't very well wind down your window and scream to the next car,
"Eh, can I cut you ar?!"

You just do it.
When you feel like it.

Who knew that a car key holds so much meaning to it.
Or maybe I'm just thinking too much.

It's always good to have girlfriends, and always fun to meet up and talk, gossip whatever. Had a great dinner with uni pals on Weds and managed to meet up with Cyen and then with Esther these few days. It's funny that the topic will invariably turn to love lives or rather the lack of it in my case.


Not one to whine.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Sitting around

Thanks feli for the internet connection!

There's a clock on my table and it's ticking away. A square box-like object, it cuts a lonely figure in the corner, away from the sea of messiness that threatens to engulf Time. It's inching closer tho.

Poor thing.

Dear void that is cyberspace, I'm not doing too good in tests but its alright.
Sometimes things get a lil' unbearable but thats okay,
Sitting down at the table to study might seem like a pain, but its just a pain in the butt.
It will go away soon enough.

Life is still full of unexpected surprises, that comes in all shapes and colours, even rockets and greens.
There is still humour, if only you would look for it in all the unlikely places.
And there is still love, if you'd allow it into your heart.

must go study now.

Sigh. Fine. You win.

Bye people!