Wednesday, January 14, 2009

A reason to love

I had this vision of me putting up a post summing up 2008 and welcoming 2009 with all the goodness I can muster and all the power words I could drag out of my brain.

But here I am, typing all this instead.

I had another vision too. An azam baru to turn into a new leaf and start studying, like you know, revising after class, starting early, the works.

But here I am, typing all this instead.

So what's a girl like me to do? A girl whose heart feels like one mashed up pulp of emotions unknown and unwarranted?

Sit and type all this instead.


So dear amy, how are you feeling today?


Right now, I'm disorientated by the fact that I could be so affected by another person. Like how you're so connected to another human being, a female, male or anyone in between that you just get so breathless by how influential they are in your life.

Each and every word is analyzed, each action thought about and intentions assumed. You start wondering about the emotional status of the other person and wonder whether what you did or say or will do will have some effect on him/her.

Kind of make you lose your sense of self, no?

So emotionally invested that a bridge is formed between that two souls, torturing, twisting, pulling and pushing.

That bridge that you can choose to either strengthen with strong will, silver effort and golden love

or weaken with selfishness and darkness.

But the greatest gift is honesty and unconditional love.

Like a wave, it hit me one night, the realization that I do not need a reason to love. For love in itself is something so good and pure that to love, is an ultimate gift you can give someone. It heals, it aches, it grows and it nurtures.

Why do I love her? Why do I love him?
Not because she's nice because if she's not at that moment, does that mean I love her less?

No reason to love. Love is all encompassing, all good and joyous.

But to love, I need to love myself first.
without a reason.

Which needs some effort on my part.

But I’m not backing down anytime soon.