Hot and Cold; Pumping Heart

Part II

I've always, always been envious of those who loved hard and fall in love so easily. Those who knew that they were in love and are not afraid to say out loud, "Darn it woman/man/etc, I LOVE you!"

I am one oddball. Loving family, loving friends, loving strangers as part of a collective group that is human, is alright by me, though I may struggle sometimes to say it out loud, but those kind of head-over-heels love?

Blardy hell. Not that simple for moi.
This heart? I can never fathom.

Deep in my subconscious I think I know where it all stem from but I cannot tell. It's deep, it's dark it's me. I've forgiven, God knows I've forgiven. I hope I've forgiven.
Because if I have not, I will not be where I am right now, For that at least, I'm sure about.
I would have...

And I know, that I won't be what I am if not for it.
That I know for certain as well.

Love.
What is love.

Scared to love, scared to be scared, scared that I'm letting go of something that feels so, so good but so freaking terrifying at the same time. Afraid of hurting, of hurting him.
Of hurting me.

Tired.
So tired.

I wished I could say I love you.
I wish I could say I've loved him, or them so much it hurts. But that's a blatant lie. Because I've never felt that. Oh heart, tortured heart. I ache for you, as much as the ache you cause me.

Lying awake at night, thinking about the past, analyzing-Jung, Freud, Oprah even. Justifying. I am my own shrink.

And she says, that's enough of guarding now. Maybe it's time to fall.

But I have no parachute on!

You don't need one. The ground is springy, like a mattress you jump on when you were younger. Jumping from one to another, with your brother, your cousins while mom screamed in the background.

The ground looks freaking hard to me. Like a rock, ready to smash me into bits and pieces.

You'll Love to bits and pieces.
And it's perfectly alright to love. Because love is all encompassing. Never a bad thing, always a good thing. Love is Good.

And as you love, you grow, you feed and you nurture.
It cannot be restricted, why restrict something that is good?
Fall, fall, you'll catch yourself at the bottom.
Because you can and you will.
That's how strong you are.
Why be afraid when you know that you can trust your two feet to keep you upright?

...

Size 7 feet, you wanna know something? I think blardy well trust you.

Blow, wind blow. Blow the red cap off the blonde head!

Feli, it's only natural that this follows, (*grins)

Part I

It's only when tragedy happens that you realize how fragile life can be; that the saying, 'Live life like there's no tomorrow, live and let live' seems especially raw and true. As much as we try to kid ourselves into thinking that "Yeah man, from this moment forth, I shall live by that rule," it's so easy to forget.
So easy. So, so easy.

So people who always harbor a secret wish to have delicious, exciting lives would think, Shit. The only think that is permanent is death.

Death that comes as swift and as blithe as a gust of wind that blows out of nowhere.
From the east? North? South? Northwest?

Blow, blow away.
Goodbye.

And panic would set in, what if there is no tomorrow? Would I be truly happy with my time here on earth? Have a had enough? Have I lived enough, sing enough, love enough.
Enough. Enough.
When is enough?

We ponder about life's purpose, our journeys, our thoughts, our regrets, our years.
The old think about the past; what they would have done differently. The young think about their future; whether it would be there for them to grasp.
Or would it slip away into the nothingness of non-existence.

We wished for our lives to be beacons of hope, of light that illuminates, worthy of the gift that is life. For it is a gift, not ours to begin with. Never ours, never ours.

We dream, we cry, we laugh, we doubt, we think, scream, curse, and think again.
We run, we fall, we jump so high and drop so low.
We despair that life's unfair.

And yet the respiratory system worked for a breath.

Exhale. And it starts again.

We breathe again.

Till the last breath, we shall breathe.
Oh yes, my dear.
The air is that sweet.

Wow.

Oh shit oh shit oh shit.

Today's paper caused me to break out in freaking cold sweat.

I looked at the blanks,
blinked

and thought to myself,

Ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit oshit ohshit.

Palpitations and thoughts of doom swirled in my head.

Wow. This is quite bad, dear amy. Quite bad indeed.
*Freakingpleaseletmepass!*

.....

One more paper left.
I need to buck up but I'm here.

Last paper syndrome. What can I say.

Wait for it; I'll be unshackled soon.
...

ding ding dong dong

Breathes deeply


*SCREAMS


Breathes some more


Exhales.



Exams.


Beh tahan lor, seriously.


Sigh.


I need a punching bag.

In between H2 receptor antagonists and Proton Pump Inhibitors

I think I'm suffering from withdrawal syndrome.
Having had a taste of what could have, has left me wanting more and impatient of what lies ahead. Granted, it's not for me to taste to begin with, it's so very wrong but it feels so right.
Now why is that so I wonder?

Where is that righteous, sword-wielding, value-upholding, thou-shalt-not-litter part of me that is so meekly surrendering to the wants of the heart and the body?
Where are you when I need you?

I say out loud that I should do this or that but I can't help but be a girl about it. Shit, guilt haunts when it could but happiness just chased it all away. Shoo! It says, Carpe diem! It says.
Hypocritical?

What the heck, SIEZE THE DAY!

Ah, but conscience knows me all too better, taking me on this rollercoaster ride that I've never been on before, heard off; but never really yearned for it.
I was in line for it, but I figured that the line was still a long way ahead.
I thought it snaked and twisted and turned into an unseen corner.

But there I was, right in front of the line.

I was old enough, tall enough to pass the red line that differentiates those who can and who weeps,
Wasn't pregnant,
No cardiovascular disease, the last I checked.

Go ahead?
Go ahead!
Nudged those at the back, wanted to ride on it as well.
Whaddareyouwaitingfor?!
...I....I...
Hesitation.

"......sieze the day....."
I could hear a whisper.

Barely audible, but a whisper, nonetheless.

Heart sings,

So how la dei?

Wrong or right, right or wrong, left or right, right or left, yes or no, no or yes,
Who's to say, who's to know?

She took a breath

And took a step...

Forward.
2 steps back?

Threading

Threads of thoughts :

...

Exams are here, palpable and so near, I could feel its breath and its touch.
But its touch is neither icy nor cold.
Surprisingly warm, oddly unfamiliar but expression-less though.
As much as I would want to do well, I'll leave it up to those up there and time, to play out the events when they are due and I hope by then,I would have the grace to accept it at face value, learn and move on.

...

Oh darn clock.
I wish you could stop a while and let me rest?

...

I love my family, my family loves me. I miss my family,
My family miss me?
Of course.
Everyone misses me.

...

Being stuck within 4 walls isn't that fun really.
Thank god
For wild imagination
Lots of patience
and

You.

...

The floodgates that guard my emotions are burst open for some reason.
Triggered by something.
Or someone.

I feel more, Cry a whole lot more and
Think more than I've ever thought before;
Which is pretty darn scary because I think hor,
My cranium will just explode one day due excessive thoughts.
But oddly enough, I can so Blur sometimes I hate it so much.

...

Knowledge, don't desert me please?
Lock you up and keep you safe in this soon-to-explode cranium.

...

Clock's still ticking.

Aiyoooooooo.

...

Shit.
Sigh.
Peace be with you.