Midnight

Emotions
Swirling inside, twisting its way out
Failing which
it splits
into a Million directions
Gravitate, the heart.

What's this wetness?
So palpable so easy?
Affect Affected Affection.

Too much,
Thoughts.

Thoughts
Monosyllable,
Varying, Unwary, Unwanted, Thrown aside.

Limitations of self,
Surfacing a while,
A breath,
And dived deep, deep
Into the pit of impenetrable silence.

The past cannot be changed,
Can only be learned.

A thousand things,
One head.
One heart.
One belief.


Believe?

.
..
...



Yes.

A drop from the sky

Someone once told me that I only update my blog during the exams/tests/stressful period/when I should be utilizing my time to study.
Which is quite true.
I'll do anything to get out of studying.

Whoops.

Life has been interesting and exhausting, I would say.

Been to MPO which I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE. Thank you!!!


PGL-OMG-totally breath-taking. Even better than Mamma Mia! Malaysia Boleh, man.

Gala Closing at Actors Studio, BSC with Esther -totally spur-of-the-moment thing. Loved it to bits


SuperCamp Reunion at GIS


Class Fieldtrip to Terengganu - enjoyed our socks off eventhough we have two tests awaiting us when we arrived at ye ol' UM
On the other hand,
I've had tests every week, assignments to rush, presentations to make, meetings to attend, notes to entertain.

And I've been feeling really, really bad for having to FFK buddies blardy a lot of times these past weeks. I'm so so sorry. =(
Plus, haven't been home often too.
Fortunately, there's him to accompany me lar. Heh Heh.
But been busy even for him too, which made me feel even worse sometimes.

On the flip side, I've had the opportunity to experience a lot of things and learn many things that I know I ought to learn. I'm learning to love Pharmacy more now, and getting a little more freaked too, knowing that I'll graduate in a little over a year's time with barely anything in my blaaain.

We're getting more clinical which is awesome but more is expected of us now,too.
But that's only fair though.
It just makes me wish for more time to study or rather, for my beloved brain to automatically convert all information to long time memory rather than short term.
It's blardy frustrating to know that you've learnt them all just a week before but you just can't seem to pull them out of your grey matter in the cranium.

Ah, the beauty of cramming.

The beauty of memorizing,

For the sake of exams.

Totally shitty situation. I don't wish to be a pharmacist that knows nothing, but there's just so.many.things.to.know.

But I know I can survive this. Of course I can. *prep talk*
It's all about keeping things in perspective, wherein the passion lies.
Where oh where?

In a life of service and love.

And living to my fullest potential.

Dear friends, I wish you all that is in my power, for you to live the life that you Want to live, aligned to your heart, mind and soul.

I wish you peace and loads of light.
And a lot a lot of good food.
Hah.
I hope you are all keeping well and enjoying whatever you do, as you should. I really miss me buddies!

Muaks, hope to see y'all reeeaaal soon!

And he lives inside my head; my heart

Yes dear friends,

I'm in love.


....

And he loves me too.

....

Awesomeness.

....

Ask me the next time we meet, maybe.


...

I'm evil, am I not? Haha.

...


Toodles and smooches

A reason to love

I had this vision of me putting up a post summing up 2008 and welcoming 2009 with all the goodness I can muster and all the power words I could drag out of my brain.

But here I am, typing all this instead.

I had another vision too. An azam baru to turn into a new leaf and start studying, like you know, revising after class, starting early, the works.

But here I am, typing all this instead.

So what's a girl like me to do? A girl whose heart feels like one mashed up pulp of emotions unknown and unwarranted?

Sit and type all this instead.

Sigh.

So dear amy, how are you feeling today?

Randomness.

Right now, I'm disorientated by the fact that I could be so affected by another person. Like how you're so connected to another human being, a female, male or anyone in between that you just get so breathless by how influential they are in your life.

Each and every word is analyzed, each action thought about and intentions assumed. You start wondering about the emotional status of the other person and wonder whether what you did or say or will do will have some effect on him/her.

Kind of make you lose your sense of self, no?

So emotionally invested that a bridge is formed between that two souls, torturing, twisting, pulling and pushing.

That bridge that you can choose to either strengthen with strong will, silver effort and golden love

or weaken with selfishness and darkness.

But the greatest gift is honesty and unconditional love.

Like a wave, it hit me one night, the realization that I do not need a reason to love. For love in itself is something so good and pure that to love, is an ultimate gift you can give someone. It heals, it aches, it grows and it nurtures.

Why do I love her? Why do I love him?
Not because she's nice because if she's not at that moment, does that mean I love her less?

No reason to love. Love is all encompassing, all good and joyous.

But to love, I need to love myself first.
Unconditionally
and
without a reason.

Which needs some effort on my part.

But I’m not backing down anytime soon.

and it flew by so blardy fast

Ohmigosh,

The new semester officially starts tomorrow.
Freakin' crazy man. Didn't even feel like I had a holiday.
Hrrrumph.

Nah. Scratch that. It was one heck of a 5 weeks, the learning curve was like whoa, a ride that that I'll never forget.

MyPSA Meeting over at UiTM. Seriously love working with everyone there. What a bunch.

SuperCamp Baby!!

A group of the most passionate people I've ever met - Team Leaders and Facilitators
Jen - bold and beautiful
Jessica - incredibly awe-inspiring

J-Day - intensely hardworking and smart


Deuce - talented and terribly good

Bucky - charismatic and crazy at the same time
My Partner, Diego - So good at what he does. Really.
My Family, the local Team Leaders. What would I do without you guys...Love you to bits.

And the kids who taught me more than I could ever imagine, whose lives I was fortunate enough to be a part of.

That each and every one of us is unique in our own ways, living as how we wish to live it.


Thank you for teaching me more about this magical journey called life.
.
You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life..

Christmas came and went.

Gorgeous food


Alcohol from all over the world
And the same blood running through our veins

and of course.....

MAMMA MIA!!!!


I'm so in love. The music, the dance, the atmosphere. Electrifying.
And Istana Budaya is reaaaally pretty.
mamma mia...here I go again, my my, how can I resist you.

Trooped to Genting with Est, EV, Mags, WK and Kai Mun.

Took long walks and found myself in a yellow woods, where two roads diverged.

Stood there for a second. Wondering, thinking, contemplating, feeling.

Take a chance on me..

Here's to everything.

*Exhales

Here's to a brand new semester!
Be kind to me?

Thanks.

Someday

You only stay with me in the morning
You only hold me when I sleep
I was meant to tread the water
But now I've gotten in too deep

For every piece of me that wants you
Another piece backs away

You give me something
That makes me scared alright
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something
Because someday I might know my heart

You only waited up for hours
Just to spend a little time alone with me
And I can say I've never bought you flowers
I can't work out what they mean

I never thought that I'd love someone
That was someone else's dream

You give me something
That makes me scared alright
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something
Because someday I might call you from my heart

But it might be a second too late
And the words that I could never say
Are gonna come out anyway

You give me something
That makes me scared alright
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something

You give me something
That makes me scared alright
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something
Because someday I might know my heart

Know my heart, know my heart, know my heart

Hot and Cold; Pumping Heart

Part II

I've always, always been envious of those who loved hard and fall in love so easily. Those who knew that they were in love and are not afraid to say out loud, "Darn it woman/man/etc, I LOVE you!"

I am one oddball. Loving family, loving friends, loving strangers as part of a collective group that is human, is alright by me, though I may struggle sometimes to say it out loud, but those kind of head-over-heels love?

Blardy hell. Not that simple for moi.
This heart? I can never fathom.

Deep in my subconscious I think I know where it all stem from but I cannot tell. It's deep, it's dark it's me. I've forgiven, God knows I've forgiven. I hope I've forgiven.
Because if I have not, I will not be where I am right now, For that at least, I'm sure about.
I would have...

And I know, that I won't be what I am if not for it.
That I know for certain as well.

Love.
What is love.

Scared to love, scared to be scared, scared that I'm letting go of something that feels so, so good but so freaking terrifying at the same time. Afraid of hurting, of hurting him.
Of hurting me.

Tired.
So tired.

I wished I could say I love you.
I wish I could say I've loved him, or them so much it hurts. But that's a blatant lie. Because I've never felt that. Oh heart, tortured heart. I ache for you, as much as the ache you cause me.

Lying awake at night, thinking about the past, analyzing-Jung, Freud, Oprah even. Justifying. I am my own shrink.

And she says, that's enough of guarding now. Maybe it's time to fall.

But I have no parachute on!

You don't need one. The ground is springy, like a mattress you jump on when you were younger. Jumping from one to another, with your brother, your cousins while mom screamed in the background.

The ground looks freaking hard to me. Like a rock, ready to smash me into bits and pieces.

You'll Love to bits and pieces.
And it's perfectly alright to love. Because love is all encompassing. Never a bad thing, always a good thing. Love is Good.

And as you love, you grow, you feed and you nurture.
It cannot be restricted, why restrict something that is good?
Fall, fall, you'll catch yourself at the bottom.
Because you can and you will.
That's how strong you are.
Why be afraid when you know that you can trust your two feet to keep you upright?

...

Size 7 feet, you wanna know something? I think blardy well trust you.

Blow, wind blow. Blow the red cap off the blonde head!

Feli, it's only natural that this follows, (*grins)

Part I

It's only when tragedy happens that you realize how fragile life can be; that the saying, 'Live life like there's no tomorrow, live and let live' seems especially raw and true. As much as we try to kid ourselves into thinking that "Yeah man, from this moment forth, I shall live by that rule," it's so easy to forget.
So easy. So, so easy.

So people who always harbor a secret wish to have delicious, exciting lives would think, Shit. The only think that is permanent is death.

Death that comes as swift and as blithe as a gust of wind that blows out of nowhere.
From the east? North? South? Northwest?

Blow, blow away.
Goodbye.

And panic would set in, what if there is no tomorrow? Would I be truly happy with my time here on earth? Have a had enough? Have I lived enough, sing enough, love enough.
Enough. Enough.
When is enough?

We ponder about life's purpose, our journeys, our thoughts, our regrets, our years.
The old think about the past; what they would have done differently. The young think about their future; whether it would be there for them to grasp.
Or would it slip away into the nothingness of non-existence.

We wished for our lives to be beacons of hope, of light that illuminates, worthy of the gift that is life. For it is a gift, not ours to begin with. Never ours, never ours.

We dream, we cry, we laugh, we doubt, we think, scream, curse, and think again.
We run, we fall, we jump so high and drop so low.
We despair that life's unfair.

And yet the respiratory system worked for a breath.

Exhale. And it starts again.

We breathe again.

Till the last breath, we shall breathe.
Oh yes, my dear.
The air is that sweet.

Wow.

Oh shit oh shit oh shit.

Today's paper caused me to break out in freaking cold sweat.

I looked at the blanks,
blinked

and thought to myself,

Ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit oshit ohshit.

Palpitations and thoughts of doom swirled in my head.

Wow. This is quite bad, dear amy. Quite bad indeed.
*Freakingpleaseletmepass!*

.....

One more paper left.
I need to buck up but I'm here.

Last paper syndrome. What can I say.

Wait for it; I'll be unshackled soon.
...

ding ding dong dong

Breathes deeply


*SCREAMS


Breathes some more


Exhales.



Exams.


Beh tahan lor, seriously.


Sigh.


I need a punching bag.

In between H2 receptor antagonists and Proton Pump Inhibitors

I think I'm suffering from withdrawal syndrome.
Having had a taste of what could have, has left me wanting more and impatient of what lies ahead. Granted, it's not for me to taste to begin with, it's so very wrong but it feels so right.
Now why is that so I wonder?

Where is that righteous, sword-wielding, value-upholding, thou-shalt-not-litter part of me that is so meekly surrendering to the wants of the heart and the body?
Where are you when I need you?

I say out loud that I should do this or that but I can't help but be a girl about it. Shit, guilt haunts when it could but happiness just chased it all away. Shoo! It says, Carpe diem! It says.
Hypocritical?

What the heck, SIEZE THE DAY!

Ah, but conscience knows me all too better, taking me on this rollercoaster ride that I've never been on before, heard off; but never really yearned for it.
I was in line for it, but I figured that the line was still a long way ahead.
I thought it snaked and twisted and turned into an unseen corner.

But there I was, right in front of the line.

I was old enough, tall enough to pass the red line that differentiates those who can and who weeps,
Wasn't pregnant,
No cardiovascular disease, the last I checked.

Go ahead?
Go ahead!
Nudged those at the back, wanted to ride on it as well.
Whaddareyouwaitingfor?!
...I....I...
Hesitation.

"......sieze the day....."
I could hear a whisper.

Barely audible, but a whisper, nonetheless.

Heart sings,

So how la dei?

Wrong or right, right or wrong, left or right, right or left, yes or no, no or yes,
Who's to say, who's to know?

She took a breath

And took a step...

Forward.
2 steps back?

Threading

Threads of thoughts :

...

Exams are here, palpable and so near, I could feel its breath and its touch.
But its touch is neither icy nor cold.
Surprisingly warm, oddly unfamiliar but expression-less though.
As much as I would want to do well, I'll leave it up to those up there and time, to play out the events when they are due and I hope by then,I would have the grace to accept it at face value, learn and move on.

...

Oh darn clock.
I wish you could stop a while and let me rest?

...

I love my family, my family loves me. I miss my family,
My family miss me?
Of course.
Everyone misses me.

...

Being stuck within 4 walls isn't that fun really.
Thank god
For wild imagination
Lots of patience
and

You.

...

The floodgates that guard my emotions are burst open for some reason.
Triggered by something.
Or someone.

I feel more, Cry a whole lot more and
Think more than I've ever thought before;
Which is pretty darn scary because I think hor,
My cranium will just explode one day due excessive thoughts.
But oddly enough, I can so Blur sometimes I hate it so much.

...

Knowledge, don't desert me please?
Lock you up and keep you safe in this soon-to-explode cranium.

...

Clock's still ticking.

Aiyoooooooo.

...

Shit.
Sigh.
Peace be with you.

Crumbled

Papa, I love you so.

If anything were to happen to you,

I would die, die, die.
I really would.

There'd be a void in me that will not heal as fast as it expands, into infinite darkness.

That morning happened, and You forced the rest to not tell me.

To keep me in the dark, unknowingly going through life as if nothing freaking happened.

But SHIT.

Papa, there was a chance of me not feeling your arms around me again,
hugging me close.
Of my hand in your warm, calloused hand,
Of you kissing me good night, good bye, good evening and good morning.

If things were to go horribly wrong, I could never see your smile again.
Never see that twinkle, never hear that mischief in your voice.
Oh dear Lord,

I was strong but I choked. I didn't mean to.
The tears flowed when I saw you yesterday.
I couldn't stop shaking and you held me close.
Oh dear Lord
I could feel your warmth.
Thank you.
You wiped my tears dry and you wiped yours too
Saying,
It's alright, it's alright.

It's not alright; I could have lost you forever. I could have, I could have.
If things were different, I could have.

My heart's broken, my spirits shaken and my soul bleeding.
Every time I think of you.

And the tears flow, even now.
Even now.

I can feel you, papa.
You're here.
I need you to hold me again, to reassure me I'm not dreaming.
That You're still here. Still here.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you,
Thank You.


* Dad met with an accident on Monday,
he's still here.
That's all that matters.

Breathes

It felt like forever since I've updated. Wait, it IS so.

Gosh. Where to start?

Global Youth Symposium '08 has come and gone. It was one heck of an experience, working with a group of young, vibrant people; hosting another group of young, vibrant people from all over the world!

So what would you get, putting them both together?
A freaking rainbow, that's what.
Beautiful, awe-inspiring and with a pot of gold at the end if it.
Run, run towards that pot!

Of course I screwed up my tests which came immediately after that exhausting week.
Heh. Oh well.
I screw my tests up now, too anyway.

What else?
I had the pleasure of making a new friend, a person who inspired me in so many ways. Her name's Chihiro, who came to Malaysia from Japan as an intern for Agathians Shelter, an orphanage under this project I'm in called Young Visionaries.
A project that I probably will not take up, if not for the chance of working on something I'm passionate about, with someone who thinks so much like me, i.e. think too much; that sometimes it's scary.

Chihiro's only 19 but she has accomplished so much and just puts in so much heart into whatever she does.
To come to Malaysia, on her own, to work in a shelter for 2 months? A new country, a new environment, with so much of the unknown?
I'm not sure whether I have her guts. Nor her vision.

She's helped me believe once more in the path that I'm walking on.
Helped me realize that the effort was all worth it.
That what I believe in, in Young Visionaries is real and palpable.
That in small ways, we can make a difference.

We went to Malacca together, 3 of us, Feli (the other half of Young Visionaries), Chihiro and moi as a sort of farewell trip before Chihiro left for Japan. It was cool in that we were carefree and we stayed at this sort of backpackers inn which was a steal-RM 13 for a night!? Blardy cheap.
It ended with a bang and a heart attack because we missed the bus home, which scared us shitless because her flight was that night itself.
How in the hell are we gonna come up with thousands of dollars for a new flight ticket home if there's no other buses?!ShitShitShiiiit!

But it ended well, there was another bus.
Having to pay for a new bus ticket sure beats having to pay for a flight ticket.

We are so going to miss her a lot.
(Feli, Chihiro, Moi)
Thanks Chihiro, for your company, your presence, your spirit.

Hmm..what else?

Trooped to USM, Penang for a MyPSA (M'sian Pharmacy Students' Assoc.) meeting which was so, so much fun.
We created a new group too....drumrolls....
SiaoPSA*!
And guess who's the President of that group?
Heh.

Recently attended an interview to be a facilitator for camp, aptly named 'SuperCamp' for kids and teenagers, by recommendation of a friend. If it works out well, I'll be away for about 2 weeks in December, to a place in Perak.
It'll be quite an experience, as facilitators from US will be coming in as well. The icing on the cake? I get paid for it. Wah liu..damn shiok.

And...

There's one other thing that's been happening too.
But that can wait, for another day.
Skippity-skip.


Oh yeah,
Can you believe that I have another 2 weeks left till the end of the semester?
which means one thing, that exams next month and
That I've almost completed 5/8 semesters.

Believe it, baby.




*Siao = Mad

Leave no stone unturned

I weep for the Penan people.

My heart bleeds for the lack of humanity.

Our own backyard?!

I'm afraid to hope but dear God,

please, please let Justice Prevail.

Do you remember..21st night of September

*SCREAMS*


Ohmygoditwassupercoolsuperexhilaratinggoosebumpinducingand..

I freaking love CHELSEA!

And the Malaysian team too lar. 2-0 is a respectable score in my book.

I need some honey for my throat.

and,

I'm heading for the Pearl of The Orient tomorrow!

*SCREAMS*

and,

I have tutorials tomorrow and it's 12.15 a.m and I haven't even completed reading one page!

*SCREAMS*

It's going to be a long, long night..

Random Midnights

I distinctly told my roomie that I vowed to sleep early today.
Here I am, at 1.31 am in the morning, typing this instead of dreaming about lollipops in la-la land.
Tsk tsk.

Lollipops shall wait a moment more for this must get off my chest.

To all whose paths I've crossed these few days;

I know I'm more quiet than I used to,
More preoccupied with the stuff that swirls in my head-mashed and squashed beyond recognition.

I know I'm less patient with frivolity,
Less tolerant of immaturity.

I'm sorry, I really am.

But I'm adjusting to this, this surrounding that surrounds me - the lessons I'm learning.
I'm feeling how to feel this, to sense this and make it work.

Bear with me, brothers, and sisters-
I'm trying to be a better me.

Nothingness

If I were to be completely honest?

I'm pretty terrified at the moment, with the life I'm living.

Granted, I've been in this situation before many times, and I've always thought I could handle it. But this time, it's different. The worst part about it all is this fear that I'm losing the devil-may-care part of me. The part that laughs a lot, jokes a lot, crap a lot.
The part that is seeping slowly out of me, noticeably.

I find myself hurrying, planning, thinking, doing. Lacking in sleep, rest and leisure.

And it shows. To me, at least The serious part of me is emerging, and with it, less smiles and nonsensical thoughts, less dreams and nothingness.

I'm not so sure whether I like this part of me or not.

And that's equally, if not more terrifying.

Finally!

Been tagged many, many times but am always too lazy to get around to do it.
Turning into a new leaf, so yeah..here it is.

Tagged by Miss Tan Ee Von & Mr. Lee Jun Xue!

8 things I'm passionate about :

1) Family & Friends
2) Food, glorious food!
3) Books
4) Music
5) A life well-lived
6) Love
7) Being happy
8) My smelly pillow

8 things I say too often :

1) What the hell?!
2) Wah....liu!
3) I'm good.
4) Yah man.
5) Seriously?!
6) Hungry la wei
7) Wei
8) No problem.

8 books I've read recently :

1) Persuasion by Jane Austen
2) Ellen Foster by Kanye Gibbons
3) MIMS (Go to Google, type MIMS - then you'll know why)
4) The Hours by Michael Cunningham
5) My diary
6) Night by Elie Wiesel
7) The Textbook of Radiopharmacy (gag)
8) The Good Omen by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett

8 songs I could listen to over and over again :

1) Dreaming My Dreams - The Cranberries
2) Lagu Untukmu - Meet Uncle Hussein
3) Landslide - Dixie Chicks
4) Freshmen - The Verve Pipe
5) Kau Ilhamku - Manbai
6) Your Woman - Whitetown
7) Itu Kamu -Estranged
8) When You Believe - Whitney Housten & Mariah Carey

8 things I learnt for the past year :

1) That saying No is not necessarily a bad thing.
2) That you can achieve amazing feats that you thought were impossible. As long as you never give up.
3) Eating a lot = gaining weight
4) Anything can happen in this world of ours.
5) This too, shall pass.
6) Be yourself, trust your instincts and speak from the heart.
7) That I am one hell of a lucky human being. What more to ask for? A loving family, superb friends, good food, enough money to spend, lots of love to go around.
8) Alone time is blissful.

8 people I tag (though I'm sure many would have done it already):

1) Esther Toh!
2) Mai Kai
3) Kenny
4) Felicita!
5) Samuel
6) Jeff
7) You
8) And you.

When diaries are bursting at the seams

When the weight of the world is on your shoulders,
and you feel that your bones can bear no longer;
Just look inside and scan your heart,
Dig deep for passion, that fills-overflowing.

Angels are around to light your way,
Though Dust may yet settle on ground,
When wind blows tender-warm and loving,
Stay still, and breathe-the air is that sweet.

Rejoice, and feel from tip to toe,
Rejoice! For feelings are, when feelings due,
Plod on, plough on, sink deep in the mud
Embracing the feet, swallowing it whole.

Live the moment, regret not one,
Nor half an inch or quarter,
Stay strong, dear mirror, don't loose sight
Never let go without a fight;

The joy my friend
Is in the little things,
That never seem important;

But pause awhile, let heart take over
Counseled by gut, brains of substance;
You won't go wrong, you'll never get lost,
Enjoy the present, Now is here.

A round of love for everyone!