Hot and Cold; Pumping Heart

Part II

I've always, always been envious of those who loved hard and fall in love so easily. Those who knew that they were in love and are not afraid to say out loud, "Darn it woman/man/etc, I LOVE you!"

I am one oddball. Loving family, loving friends, loving strangers as part of a collective group that is human, is alright by me, though I may struggle sometimes to say it out loud, but those kind of head-over-heels love?

Blardy hell. Not that simple for moi.
This heart? I can never fathom.

Deep in my subconscious I think I know where it all stem from but I cannot tell. It's deep, it's dark it's me. I've forgiven, God knows I've forgiven. I hope I've forgiven.
Because if I have not, I will not be where I am right now, For that at least, I'm sure about.
I would have...

And I know, that I won't be what I am if not for it.
That I know for certain as well.

Love.
What is love.

Scared to love, scared to be scared, scared that I'm letting go of something that feels so, so good but so freaking terrifying at the same time. Afraid of hurting, of hurting him.
Of hurting me.

Tired.
So tired.

I wished I could say I love you.
I wish I could say I've loved him, or them so much it hurts. But that's a blatant lie. Because I've never felt that. Oh heart, tortured heart. I ache for you, as much as the ache you cause me.

Lying awake at night, thinking about the past, analyzing-Jung, Freud, Oprah even. Justifying. I am my own shrink.

And she says, that's enough of guarding now. Maybe it's time to fall.

But I have no parachute on!

You don't need one. The ground is springy, like a mattress you jump on when you were younger. Jumping from one to another, with your brother, your cousins while mom screamed in the background.

The ground looks freaking hard to me. Like a rock, ready to smash me into bits and pieces.

You'll Love to bits and pieces.
And it's perfectly alright to love. Because love is all encompassing. Never a bad thing, always a good thing. Love is Good.

And as you love, you grow, you feed and you nurture.
It cannot be restricted, why restrict something that is good?
Fall, fall, you'll catch yourself at the bottom.
Because you can and you will.
That's how strong you are.
Why be afraid when you know that you can trust your two feet to keep you upright?

...

Size 7 feet, you wanna know something? I think blardy well trust you.