Orbs

OMG.

My parents are on this diet of Hokkien shows that I get inadvertently pulled into their world.

The world of *lim peh's' , am kor's and ah bu's ; of family turbulence and moral values.

Wahlau eh.

Siao liao.

See!?

And no. My Hokkien hasn't improved from all that, thankyouverymuch.

I know la. My grasp of the language sucks, but I really do regret not practicing it when I was younger. I can't remember when I started not speaking Hokkien that much, it just slips away. My household is about 95% English now.

Sigh.

I do wish I'm more fluent in my mother tongue. Half mother tongue at least.



* (in order) your father, but and mother



Oh great orb; whence will my mom's car get fixed?

...

Written words

Mom : "Can start a warehouse sale lo"

-_-'"

...

Am in the middle of Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now. It's so true to me that I'm taking blardy long to finish it; just so I can swallow each word, digest and let it come out the other end.

And then do it all over again.

It's using up so many brain cells then I often end up lethargic and sleepy soon afters, before the clock strikes 12 even.
Perfect remedy for a good night's sleep.

Go Lakers Go Lakers Go!

Kena tembak kau kau for not updating. lol.
Oh well!

It's always best to give everything you're doing, your all.

For example, if you're playing basketball, you should give it your 100%; faster, harder, stronger.

If you're working on a project, you should give it your utmost commitment.

So if you're on a holiday like yours truly, it's really quite obvious that you should do nothing but bummed your bum bum away.

Shake your bon bon, shake your bon bon!

Yeap. That's basically what I've been doing these few weeks. Waking up relatively early, have some breakfast, read the papers front to back, watch some tv and pack my stuff.

For some reason, my family seems to be content in shifting our stuff from home one box per day. A perfect illustration of 'Sedikit-sedikit lama-lama jadi bukit.' I'm in the process of transporting me books. Bucketloads.
To the uninitiated, I am, proudly a collector of books and a groupie of warehouse sales.
The first time I set sights on a 2nd hand bookstore, I thought I was dreaming.
When I stepped into my first Pay-Less Warehouse Sales, I thought I've gone to heaven.

As the smelly aroma of dusky old books fill the room and I gently wipe away the thick dust that covers the yellow pages, shaking off tiny specks into the atmosphere; memories of heroines, the unknowns and pipe-smoking detectives come flooding back.
In bits and minced pieces of course.

And that's minus all my notes and old school books and stuff. Sigh, why did I keep em in the first place? Lesson to self : Keeping just in case, is absolutely no good for a clutter-free home.

As for all the children's books, I probably would donate them to an orphanage or kids of friends of mom.

...

Its times like this that I wish I have a car, a car to zoom away to far away distances of food and good company. I would show up at friends' place beeping and we'd rush off to savour exotic dishes and laugh our asses off.

And when 5 pm comes, I would gallop on this imaginary horse straight to Subang. Haha.

But that horse ain't appearing just yet. Darn.

...

And yeap, introduced Adam to almost everyone in the gang yesterday at 'Siva's' Housewarming. It's an 'all-at-once-want-to-bully-now's-the-only-chance' thingy.
It was fun seeing them all after sooo long.
Didn't scare him, so thats good.
I KNOW you guys talked about us once we've left. lol.
Don't bluff.

So, Uni friends done, Form 5 friends done. Which leaves us with Primary School Friends, Pre-Form 4 Friends, Form 6 Friends and Non-schoolmates. And Miscellaneaous. Hah.

And of course, that small, teeny bit matter of my family. *Ahem.

...

In case you're wondering why I'm so free, I'm waiting for the new semester's Registration to be open.
Supposed to open at 9 a.m.; it's now 9.55 a.m.

Wow. Way to go UM, man.

...

Okaythatsit.
Want to go watch Lakers beat Orlando Magic's buttocks.

Sniff

I wanted to blog on so many things; but could only come up with only one thing right now.


I miss my chayang.

Sigh.

I need my book fix.

Glances at the clock

Today's paper has been quite the very crappy.

But dude,

One more paper left.

*breathes

Tick Tock Tick Tock

*when will the clock strike 5.15 pm ?


Okayamyitstimetomovethatbigbuttofyours!

moveitmoveit!

Lesson for today

I know I know, I have a paper tomorrow.

Argh!

But I just have to let this one go.

It's so easy to lose oneself, to a relationship; agreeing just to keep the peace.

But I've learned today that it's so stupid of me to think that I should compromise my thoughts for the sake of an artificial sense of 'well-being'.

So unreal because even if it looks alright at the surface,
that surface will never remain unbroken forever - as fragile as it actually is.

I've learned that it's perfectly okay to disagree;
that he'll still be there even if we clash in opinions-so long that we talk it through and that our intentions are good.

But not petty arguments, of course.

It stems from insecurity, I know. And the years of being a crowd-pleaser.
A defender of peace, an advocate of 'Anything-la.'

From the outside, I always thought that I'm smarter than that, that I'm stronger than that. But I guess being in it, is a whole different ballgame altogether.
I've fallen into traps that I've vowed never to fall.

I'm glad that you made me see the error of my ways. For giving me that wake up call.
For showing me that I'm letting myself slip through my grasp.

And for loving me throughout it all.

That's the lesson I've learned,

For today.

Random morning with papers strewn

I’ve read Og Mandino’s ‘The Choice’ a couple of years ago and finished it in one sitting, reading late into the wee hours of the morning. It was an incredibly insightful book, one that brought tears to my eyes; one that had me reaching out for my diary to scribble down one single sentence :

“I choose a better way to live!”

Indeed.

Along the way, as how the book aptly describe it, we ride on this high wave of feel-good-nothing-is-impossible-I-can-do-anything until the wave crashes into the golden burnt sand again.

Along the way, we forget. I forget.

But blessed is he, for he has the printed word.

I picked up the book again, in the wee hours of the morning yesterday; mind tired after a barrage of examinations but unwilling to sleep, wanting to milk the moment a little longer-the knowledge that I have one week before the last two papers.

I’m weird, I know. Sleepy when I shouldn’t be but insomniac when sleep is totally affordable.

And the words sprang out and touched me again, like waves, it hit me again.

“So long as I have something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for, I shall be happy.”

People look for happiness; seeking for things or someone to make them happy but sometimes we forget that the only thing that can make us happy,

Is ourselves.

Satisfied are we, with all that we have; the half-filled glass, that nail-less toe, we shall be happy.

We choose to be happy. Happiness is ne’er about owning an iPhone or the latest car; Happiness is within us.

For what’s it worth, having the yellow sunbeam gracing upon our skin can be as much a source of joy as anything else. It’s our choice, such blessing it is; to be able to choose.

I can blardy well be elated that I’m able to read and learn about Pharmacoepidemiology and to learn that Camellia sinensis is tea; such beautiful, exquisite name.

Atropa belladonna. How it rolls the tongue, filling the head with images of beautiful dolls in flowing white dresses, dancing along to tinkling bells in green and yellow meadow.

It is, and always will be my choice, you know. *grins

I’m grateful for a lot of things, for I’m living a very blessed life by many standards. Lest I forget, which is normal, let me read, recollect and remember. And let me remind myself that to be able to breathe itself is awesomeness to its core.

I choose a better way to live! Version 2.0

Love,

Me.

And I turn 23

When I blew out my 22nd birthday cake candle over at Pyramid surrounded by family and a dear friend Feli, I never would have thought that that year was going to be such a thrilling and crazy ride.

When I blew out that candle, I never would have thought that I was going to celebrate my 23rd birthday there at Pyramid too.

When I blew out that brightly-lit candle, I never would have thought that I'll be celebrating my 23rd with someone so incredibly special; my life, my love, my everything.

God works in mysterious ways indeed.

Love strikes your unguarded heart when you least expect it, and love also, is an opportunity that you have to grab unabashedly; a journey of which the first step you must take; a choice that you have to make with palpitating heart.

And when it strikes, it strikes hard with pin-point accuracy.

Of course it hasn't been easy, sometimes finding myself being very-the-girl; an emotional human being whose tears suddenly found a new canal to flow. We have disagreements of course, but I would go through it again in a heartbeat;
Because with him I learn more; with him I grow; with him I feel.

I love him more than I could ever deem possible, I love him in every sense of that word,

I love him regardless.

The awesomeness of it all.

Dear,

In the middle of blogging this, the phone rang and your face appeared on my little screen.
A smile broke out, the kind that you said earlier today looked like it can never be wiped off.

Like a school girl, I curled up on the bed
With you on the other end.

And I told you I was blogging.

Dear,
Thank you for being in my life, sharing, loving, living. Thank you for the moments that I hold forever in me, thank you for the birthday gift that reduced me to a bumbling, crying wreck.


It's you, you know. It has always been you, and will always be, you. And I know that you know it.


I love you, Adam Henry Sivapatham.



More than you'll ever know.

Midnight

Emotions
Swirling inside, twisting its way out
Failing which
it splits
into a Million directions
Gravitate, the heart.

What's this wetness?
So palpable so easy?
Affect Affected Affection.

Too much,
Thoughts.

Thoughts
Monosyllable,
Varying, Unwary, Unwanted, Thrown aside.

Limitations of self,
Surfacing a while,
A breath,
And dived deep, deep
Into the pit of impenetrable silence.

The past cannot be changed,
Can only be learned.

A thousand things,
One head.
One heart.
One belief.


Believe?

.
..
...



Yes.

A drop from the sky

Someone once told me that I only update my blog during the exams/tests/stressful period/when I should be utilizing my time to study.
Which is quite true.
I'll do anything to get out of studying.

Whoops.

Life has been interesting and exhausting, I would say.

Been to MPO which I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE. Thank you!!!


PGL-OMG-totally breath-taking. Even better than Mamma Mia! Malaysia Boleh, man.

Gala Closing at Actors Studio, BSC with Esther -totally spur-of-the-moment thing. Loved it to bits


SuperCamp Reunion at GIS


Class Fieldtrip to Terengganu - enjoyed our socks off eventhough we have two tests awaiting us when we arrived at ye ol' UM
On the other hand,
I've had tests every week, assignments to rush, presentations to make, meetings to attend, notes to entertain.

And I've been feeling really, really bad for having to FFK buddies blardy a lot of times these past weeks. I'm so so sorry. =(
Plus, haven't been home often too.
Fortunately, there's him to accompany me lar. Heh Heh.
But been busy even for him too, which made me feel even worse sometimes.

On the flip side, I've had the opportunity to experience a lot of things and learn many things that I know I ought to learn. I'm learning to love Pharmacy more now, and getting a little more freaked too, knowing that I'll graduate in a little over a year's time with barely anything in my blaaain.

We're getting more clinical which is awesome but more is expected of us now,too.
But that's only fair though.
It just makes me wish for more time to study or rather, for my beloved brain to automatically convert all information to long time memory rather than short term.
It's blardy frustrating to know that you've learnt them all just a week before but you just can't seem to pull them out of your grey matter in the cranium.

Ah, the beauty of cramming.

The beauty of memorizing,

For the sake of exams.

Totally shitty situation. I don't wish to be a pharmacist that knows nothing, but there's just so.many.things.to.know.

But I know I can survive this. Of course I can. *prep talk*
It's all about keeping things in perspective, wherein the passion lies.
Where oh where?

In a life of service and love.

And living to my fullest potential.

Dear friends, I wish you all that is in my power, for you to live the life that you Want to live, aligned to your heart, mind and soul.

I wish you peace and loads of light.
And a lot a lot of good food.
Hah.
I hope you are all keeping well and enjoying whatever you do, as you should. I really miss me buddies!

Muaks, hope to see y'all reeeaaal soon!

And he lives inside my head; my heart

Yes dear friends,

I'm in love.


....

And he loves me too.

....

Awesomeness.

....

Ask me the next time we meet, maybe.


...

I'm evil, am I not? Haha.

...


Toodles and smooches

A reason to love

I had this vision of me putting up a post summing up 2008 and welcoming 2009 with all the goodness I can muster and all the power words I could drag out of my brain.

But here I am, typing all this instead.

I had another vision too. An azam baru to turn into a new leaf and start studying, like you know, revising after class, starting early, the works.

But here I am, typing all this instead.

So what's a girl like me to do? A girl whose heart feels like one mashed up pulp of emotions unknown and unwarranted?

Sit and type all this instead.

Sigh.

So dear amy, how are you feeling today?

Randomness.

Right now, I'm disorientated by the fact that I could be so affected by another person. Like how you're so connected to another human being, a female, male or anyone in between that you just get so breathless by how influential they are in your life.

Each and every word is analyzed, each action thought about and intentions assumed. You start wondering about the emotional status of the other person and wonder whether what you did or say or will do will have some effect on him/her.

Kind of make you lose your sense of self, no?

So emotionally invested that a bridge is formed between that two souls, torturing, twisting, pulling and pushing.

That bridge that you can choose to either strengthen with strong will, silver effort and golden love

or weaken with selfishness and darkness.

But the greatest gift is honesty and unconditional love.

Like a wave, it hit me one night, the realization that I do not need a reason to love. For love in itself is something so good and pure that to love, is an ultimate gift you can give someone. It heals, it aches, it grows and it nurtures.

Why do I love her? Why do I love him?
Not because she's nice because if she's not at that moment, does that mean I love her less?

No reason to love. Love is all encompassing, all good and joyous.

But to love, I need to love myself first.
Unconditionally
and
without a reason.

Which needs some effort on my part.

But I’m not backing down anytime soon.

and it flew by so blardy fast

Ohmigosh,

The new semester officially starts tomorrow.
Freakin' crazy man. Didn't even feel like I had a holiday.
Hrrrumph.

Nah. Scratch that. It was one heck of a 5 weeks, the learning curve was like whoa, a ride that that I'll never forget.

MyPSA Meeting over at UiTM. Seriously love working with everyone there. What a bunch.

SuperCamp Baby!!

A group of the most passionate people I've ever met - Team Leaders and Facilitators
Jen - bold and beautiful
Jessica - incredibly awe-inspiring

J-Day - intensely hardworking and smart


Deuce - talented and terribly good

Bucky - charismatic and crazy at the same time
My Partner, Diego - So good at what he does. Really.
My Family, the local Team Leaders. What would I do without you guys...Love you to bits.

And the kids who taught me more than I could ever imagine, whose lives I was fortunate enough to be a part of.

That each and every one of us is unique in our own ways, living as how we wish to live it.


Thank you for teaching me more about this magical journey called life.
.
You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life..

Christmas came and went.

Gorgeous food


Alcohol from all over the world
And the same blood running through our veins

and of course.....

MAMMA MIA!!!!


I'm so in love. The music, the dance, the atmosphere. Electrifying.
And Istana Budaya is reaaaally pretty.
mamma mia...here I go again, my my, how can I resist you.

Trooped to Genting with Est, EV, Mags, WK and Kai Mun.

Took long walks and found myself in a yellow woods, where two roads diverged.

Stood there for a second. Wondering, thinking, contemplating, feeling.

Take a chance on me..

Here's to everything.

*Exhales

Here's to a brand new semester!
Be kind to me?

Thanks.

Someday

You only stay with me in the morning
You only hold me when I sleep
I was meant to tread the water
But now I've gotten in too deep

For every piece of me that wants you
Another piece backs away

You give me something
That makes me scared alright
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something
Because someday I might know my heart

You only waited up for hours
Just to spend a little time alone with me
And I can say I've never bought you flowers
I can't work out what they mean

I never thought that I'd love someone
That was someone else's dream

You give me something
That makes me scared alright
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something
Because someday I might call you from my heart

But it might be a second too late
And the words that I could never say
Are gonna come out anyway

You give me something
That makes me scared alright
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something

You give me something
That makes me scared alright
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something
Because someday I might know my heart

Know my heart, know my heart, know my heart

Hot and Cold; Pumping Heart

Part II

I've always, always been envious of those who loved hard and fall in love so easily. Those who knew that they were in love and are not afraid to say out loud, "Darn it woman/man/etc, I LOVE you!"

I am one oddball. Loving family, loving friends, loving strangers as part of a collective group that is human, is alright by me, though I may struggle sometimes to say it out loud, but those kind of head-over-heels love?

Blardy hell. Not that simple for moi.
This heart? I can never fathom.

Deep in my subconscious I think I know where it all stem from but I cannot tell. It's deep, it's dark it's me. I've forgiven, God knows I've forgiven. I hope I've forgiven.
Because if I have not, I will not be where I am right now, For that at least, I'm sure about.
I would have...

And I know, that I won't be what I am if not for it.
That I know for certain as well.

Love.
What is love.

Scared to love, scared to be scared, scared that I'm letting go of something that feels so, so good but so freaking terrifying at the same time. Afraid of hurting, of hurting him.
Of hurting me.

Tired.
So tired.

I wished I could say I love you.
I wish I could say I've loved him, or them so much it hurts. But that's a blatant lie. Because I've never felt that. Oh heart, tortured heart. I ache for you, as much as the ache you cause me.

Lying awake at night, thinking about the past, analyzing-Jung, Freud, Oprah even. Justifying. I am my own shrink.

And she says, that's enough of guarding now. Maybe it's time to fall.

But I have no parachute on!

You don't need one. The ground is springy, like a mattress you jump on when you were younger. Jumping from one to another, with your brother, your cousins while mom screamed in the background.

The ground looks freaking hard to me. Like a rock, ready to smash me into bits and pieces.

You'll Love to bits and pieces.
And it's perfectly alright to love. Because love is all encompassing. Never a bad thing, always a good thing. Love is Good.

And as you love, you grow, you feed and you nurture.
It cannot be restricted, why restrict something that is good?
Fall, fall, you'll catch yourself at the bottom.
Because you can and you will.
That's how strong you are.
Why be afraid when you know that you can trust your two feet to keep you upright?

...

Size 7 feet, you wanna know something? I think blardy well trust you.

Blow, wind blow. Blow the red cap off the blonde head!

Feli, it's only natural that this follows, (*grins)

Part I

It's only when tragedy happens that you realize how fragile life can be; that the saying, 'Live life like there's no tomorrow, live and let live' seems especially raw and true. As much as we try to kid ourselves into thinking that "Yeah man, from this moment forth, I shall live by that rule," it's so easy to forget.
So easy. So, so easy.

So people who always harbor a secret wish to have delicious, exciting lives would think, Shit. The only think that is permanent is death.

Death that comes as swift and as blithe as a gust of wind that blows out of nowhere.
From the east? North? South? Northwest?

Blow, blow away.
Goodbye.

And panic would set in, what if there is no tomorrow? Would I be truly happy with my time here on earth? Have a had enough? Have I lived enough, sing enough, love enough.
Enough. Enough.
When is enough?

We ponder about life's purpose, our journeys, our thoughts, our regrets, our years.
The old think about the past; what they would have done differently. The young think about their future; whether it would be there for them to grasp.
Or would it slip away into the nothingness of non-existence.

We wished for our lives to be beacons of hope, of light that illuminates, worthy of the gift that is life. For it is a gift, not ours to begin with. Never ours, never ours.

We dream, we cry, we laugh, we doubt, we think, scream, curse, and think again.
We run, we fall, we jump so high and drop so low.
We despair that life's unfair.

And yet the respiratory system worked for a breath.

Exhale. And it starts again.

We breathe again.

Till the last breath, we shall breathe.
Oh yes, my dear.
The air is that sweet.

Wow.

Oh shit oh shit oh shit.

Today's paper caused me to break out in freaking cold sweat.

I looked at the blanks,
blinked

and thought to myself,

Ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit oshit ohshit.

Palpitations and thoughts of doom swirled in my head.

Wow. This is quite bad, dear amy. Quite bad indeed.
*Freakingpleaseletmepass!*

.....

One more paper left.
I need to buck up but I'm here.

Last paper syndrome. What can I say.

Wait for it; I'll be unshackled soon.
...

ding ding dong dong

Breathes deeply


*SCREAMS


Breathes some more


Exhales.



Exams.


Beh tahan lor, seriously.


Sigh.


I need a punching bag.

In between H2 receptor antagonists and Proton Pump Inhibitors

I think I'm suffering from withdrawal syndrome.
Having had a taste of what could have, has left me wanting more and impatient of what lies ahead. Granted, it's not for me to taste to begin with, it's so very wrong but it feels so right.
Now why is that so I wonder?

Where is that righteous, sword-wielding, value-upholding, thou-shalt-not-litter part of me that is so meekly surrendering to the wants of the heart and the body?
Where are you when I need you?

I say out loud that I should do this or that but I can't help but be a girl about it. Shit, guilt haunts when it could but happiness just chased it all away. Shoo! It says, Carpe diem! It says.
Hypocritical?

What the heck, SIEZE THE DAY!

Ah, but conscience knows me all too better, taking me on this rollercoaster ride that I've never been on before, heard off; but never really yearned for it.
I was in line for it, but I figured that the line was still a long way ahead.
I thought it snaked and twisted and turned into an unseen corner.

But there I was, right in front of the line.

I was old enough, tall enough to pass the red line that differentiates those who can and who weeps,
Wasn't pregnant,
No cardiovascular disease, the last I checked.

Go ahead?
Go ahead!
Nudged those at the back, wanted to ride on it as well.
Whaddareyouwaitingfor?!
...I....I...
Hesitation.

"......sieze the day....."
I could hear a whisper.

Barely audible, but a whisper, nonetheless.

Heart sings,

So how la dei?

Wrong or right, right or wrong, left or right, right or left, yes or no, no or yes,
Who's to say, who's to know?

She took a breath

And took a step...

Forward.
2 steps back?

Threading

Threads of thoughts :

...

Exams are here, palpable and so near, I could feel its breath and its touch.
But its touch is neither icy nor cold.
Surprisingly warm, oddly unfamiliar but expression-less though.
As much as I would want to do well, I'll leave it up to those up there and time, to play out the events when they are due and I hope by then,I would have the grace to accept it at face value, learn and move on.

...

Oh darn clock.
I wish you could stop a while and let me rest?

...

I love my family, my family loves me. I miss my family,
My family miss me?
Of course.
Everyone misses me.

...

Being stuck within 4 walls isn't that fun really.
Thank god
For wild imagination
Lots of patience
and

You.

...

The floodgates that guard my emotions are burst open for some reason.
Triggered by something.
Or someone.

I feel more, Cry a whole lot more and
Think more than I've ever thought before;
Which is pretty darn scary because I think hor,
My cranium will just explode one day due excessive thoughts.
But oddly enough, I can so Blur sometimes I hate it so much.

...

Knowledge, don't desert me please?
Lock you up and keep you safe in this soon-to-explode cranium.

...

Clock's still ticking.

Aiyoooooooo.

...

Shit.
Sigh.
Peace be with you.