Gobble Gobble

Pharmacy Night is a week away

....Shiiiiiit-ake mushroom.

Global Youth Symposium

....

Test next week

...

THESIS

...

Health Marathon

......

@$%^%^!#@# !!!!

Fuyoh.

I need a break. But a break seems elusive.

A bit farneee no? I always say I need rest but I seem to take on more and more.
It's a disorder I need to fix.
I need an emotional and mental check-up really.

How nice if I can gobble up everthing and have nothing on my plate.

I would savour every taste with utter relish.

Yum.
Chocolate coated projects, difficult people roasted with potatoes and mayo and tuna.

Yum Yum.
Mashed paperwork with steamed speeches and scrambled grammar check.
Strawberries-topped phone calls and fried restless nights-hokkien styled.

Delish.

Oh what's that?

I cleaned my plate? Already?

...

And oh.

Don't worry too much about me, I'm alright =)

If my posts seem very emo, its just that my blog's the only avenue to vent emo stuff. Which is healthier than keeping it in, no?

Having said that, I'm still me. Older, wiser and a less wet behind the ears.

Banyak orang banyak ragam.
Memang benar kata orang tua-tua.

I'm sorry.

I'm tired.

I'm tired it's my fault.

I'm tired of always having to carry baggage in my heart.

To not let it go.




Just. tired.

Justwanttoliedownandcryandsleep.

Time

365 days of laughter and memories.


365 days of love.

Happy Anniversary Dear,

Love,
Baby.

Indeed

I should do the things that I want to do.

Sometimes.

It's just that I have to know what I want to do in the first place.

And sometimes, it's not as easy as it seems.

tick tock

8 a.m
The cock crows
The newspaper beckons

9 a.m.
We love OPRAH!!!
and
Food too, of course

10 a.m.
Dad's home
To the land of internet we go!
The laptop's switched on....*tap tap tap fingers on table*

11 a.m.
Going bonkers with e-mails

12 p.m.
Seeing circles on monitor screeen
Where's my FoOOOD?!?

12.30 p.m.
Food arrives =D =D =D Happy Me.
Sudah habis The Star, The Sun pulak.

1 p.m.
Tap Tap Tap on keyboard and/or
other things to do

2 p.m.
as above

3 p.m.
as above

4 p.m.
boring kan?

5 p.m.
Where's mom?!?

5.30 p.m.
Sudah datang!


My life for now.

Guilty as charged

Guilt Guilt Guilt Guilt.


*Sigh.

This is what happens when you're at home and your thesis is only yours to do.

You PROCRASTINATE!


*Slaps self x 1000*

Flip Flip Flip

Am flipping through (like pages) blogs / sites offering clothes/accessories for sale; triggered by Esther's tales of getting a hair straightener.

I'm supposed to be doing my thesis.

I must say, things are actually pretty cheap! And very the tempting.

But cannot lar. Something's stopping me. The Penang kiam-siapness probably. Heh.

Though I do sometimes wonder what it would be like if I would loosen my purse strings a little *wriggly fingers like Ebenezer Scrooge* for pretty little things to wear and twirl in. Look at me Look at me!

haih. But no.

Not now. Now I'm just a pig-nerd-in-glasses; whose spending is limited to good food and loads of books to add to the collection; untouched and unread yet.

I'm thinking maybe later, when I earn my own money? Then I'll probably be the first in line to shopping malls. Buying trendy things that make people's eyes pop. For good reasons of course. Because I'm so darn hot that's why.

And buying my mom a designer bag.

OMG. My goals so materialistic one. Beh tahan. lol.


But shit la.

The cocktail dresses online are so drool-worthy.

Donkey betul. -__-

Random

It's not easy managing people.

People step all over my head like crazy.

I can be nice,

But please don't take advantage of me.

Because I can blow up one day. And then you better run for cover.

Eyes Half Shut

Sometimes I wish all the Gods in this world would merge and become one, instead of people exclaiming that theirs is the one true God.
Blasphemous?

I don't know.

What is right, what is wrong?

Who goes to heaven, and who to hell?
Disturbing ain't it, when people are condemned automatically to the depths of the fire.

I found that disturbing when I was younger, and it is disturbing to me still.
But with eyes more open now, it seems to me that humans are their worst enemy.
Distortions and twists, all borne out of fear and self-centeredness.

The ME in everyone, that feeds off glory and attention and perceived greatness.
That I am right, therefore you're wrong.
If I can prove you're wrong, therefore I'm right.

Which brings me to the question again,
What is right, what is wrong?

Mere words, that's what.

Sometimes it seems to me that the more I read, the more confused I get.
Hmmm.
I do believe in God
I believe what I believe and
I guess

that's it.
...

I woke up today with pretty bad swollen eyes.
Been thinking a lot.

Had breakfast, cleared my work and did my things.
Thought a lot.

Dropped by at the library and found a book that I've been dying to read:
Paul Coelho's The Alchemist
And it made me think too.

Made me think about life, love and everything in between.

Impermanence; that life is only worth what you lived it to be.
What is ours will fade away, for it is not ours to hold on to, at the very beginning.

Surrender; to live in the moment and to surrender.
To live and- if to die, it is as a good a day to die than any day.

Peace; beauty is around us if only we lift our heads to see it as it is.
Beautiful as always. Things will fall into place, for nothing else if not for the best.


The value of me, the value of who I am and what I believe in, the value of my actions and its consequences.

Of the truth I am afraid no longer.


As hard as it is for me to see it.
I have to learn,


That I am worth it.

Sunday

It's Sunday night and I'm bored out of my wits.

Tears come for no reason and then they go away.

The highs and lows are back again, Feli.
Just when I thought that it was over.

But I have faith that it will go away. That I'll be stronger. That the both of us will be stronger. I'm 200% positive about that.

I believe that with all my heart.

....

Had fun with parents today.
Did a little bit of shopping, finally!
And gave mom her birthday present.
It's a pair of pink pearl earrings which luckily she liked; though I bought her earrings for her birthday countless times before. Heh.

Oh well, only like what 3 times only ma.
When you've bought so many birthday prezzies for the mom, you kind of run out of things to buy.
Wait la har. When I've earned loads of moo-lah, I'll buy her a holiday or some designer bag which I know she really wants but cannot afford.

Till then, hope that my love would make the small gifts suffice! *grins

....

I'm staying back in college out of choice.
For thesis sake and to settle a lot of things pending.

I thought I'll be okay, with the one I love being so close.
Closer than if I was home.
I figured we'd spend more time together, now with exams out of the way.



But right now I feel so blardy alone.



Ever more so than ever.

Rain rain go away

Esther : Why your blog ah, always so depressing posts one.

Me : *grins* Depressed only have to express mar, so mah express on this void that is cyberspace lo.


Anyways, if its happy times, I'll tell people personally one. Malas want to write. Heh.

So in the spirit of this,

This post is also to exclaim that,

There's a cloud hanging over my head.
Sigh. I'm sure the cloud will go away very, very soon.


please?

I need a clearer head with sleep but sleep is avoiding my like a plague

Sometimes I wonder,


What have I gotten myself into?

Is it all that worth it?

...

Experienced the raw manifestation of sheer tactlessness today.

And what I absolutely beh tahan is that I allowed them to see me in a moment of weakness.

When I so needed strength- it deserted me.
A distinct reminder yet again, that I am only human.


I'm never quick to anger, but in this case -
I really cannot see the sincere intentions of it all; other than hypocrisy and narcissism.
At least at this very moment.


Which is really, very sad.


Belittling people covered in a thin, translucent shroud of an excuse;
dosn't justify the meaning of service in the smallest sense.


If you can't see that, then I wish you a happy life.
Like, sincerely.

And his fleece was white as snow

Bored to tears so I changed to white on a whim.

So bright and cheery no?

*grins

Let's see how long this one will last.

Maidens and Monsters

Very the long never the write the England oredi.
Suddenly feel the England very the fun!



Swirling, swoosh!

Flying thoughts, waving faintly back.

Swing and twirl, dropping

slow onto The feet.



Ah Words, glorious words.

Crisp morning, the smell of books!

Transport me to faraway lands of magic.

Of maidens and monsters, dwarfs and donkeys.



Eh wait. That's a horse.

Somwhere over the rainbow

Somewhere along the line I forgot that the only thing that matters really, is that I've done all I could and did my best.


Somewhere along the way, I forget that I'm human like everyone else-that I err; that I'm not perfect.

I forgot that it's perfectly okay to be imperfect.


Somewhere along the road I forgot that to be a friend, I have to be a friend-and that nothing beats a cup of good tea (or several for that matter).


Somewhere whilst chasing the rainbow that seems lethally breathtaking,

I forgot to smell the roses by the side of the road and soak in everything; its bittersweet smell, its thorns, its beauty.



And somewhere along now, I remembered.

Faces

I think it's hilarious that people can see my face and assume that I'm stressed.
Especially when I'm not, at that moment.


I know stress, and I try to avoid it;

But it's difficult when you have it spelled out to you so often.


If I'm stressed and I want you to know about it, I would tell you.

If not, I'm perfectly fine, no worries.

The mileage has gone over the roof

PMS- ing like giler. But the timing's off what.

Why the tears won't stop flowing then?

Like so crazy one..Beh tahan.


I think it's the cleansing, servicing time.

But enough already!

Cis.

I need some endorphins

I'm never one to wear my heart on me sleeves, me think.

Suck it in, why bother others with some burden of yours that will not aid in any way in what they coping with right now? For all you know, they might be barely surviving themselves.
So I just suck it in and cope, using all the mechanisms available.
Sleep,
relax,
a walk,
inspiration.

It's not working that well anymore.

I'm thinking that I should change my ways.
It's been a pretty rough few weeks; so caught up in so many emotions - sometimes finding it hard to find back the happy-go-lucky, devil-may-care me.
So much so that I feel that I've inadvertently pushed those closest to me away.

I wonder is it because I'm bottling everything up?
Would it be better to just spill whatever I'm feeling at that precise moment?

Anger, to react in anger,
Sadness, to show that emotion in all its glory.

But that's rarely me.
Good thing or a bad thing? I know shit.

....

Sadness.
That's where we diverge.


Different thoughts, expectations.


To go through each minute of the day with the thought of that hour plus moment in the not-to-distant;
A light that somehow help me find a way to survive suckiness, unhappiness, stress.
With the thought of that moment.
That closeness.


But when the time comes, just so much sadness.
To have it dissipate into nothingness.


It just breaks my heart to pieces.

2:25 a.m

What a week, what a week.

Please give me strength.
And serenity

to accept the things I cannot change.

And the courage to change the things I can.


It's Friday.
Thank GOD.

What a week. *shakes head*
*Deep breath

Water

The lesson I guess,

is humility.

Just got that while showering, lol.


I think I'll survive.