Crumbled

Papa, I love you so.

If anything were to happen to you,

I would die, die, die.
I really would.

There'd be a void in me that will not heal as fast as it expands, into infinite darkness.

That morning happened, and You forced the rest to not tell me.

To keep me in the dark, unknowingly going through life as if nothing freaking happened.

But SHIT.

Papa, there was a chance of me not feeling your arms around me again,
hugging me close.
Of my hand in your warm, calloused hand,
Of you kissing me good night, good bye, good evening and good morning.

If things were to go horribly wrong, I could never see your smile again.
Never see that twinkle, never hear that mischief in your voice.
Oh dear Lord,

I was strong but I choked. I didn't mean to.
The tears flowed when I saw you yesterday.
I couldn't stop shaking and you held me close.
Oh dear Lord
I could feel your warmth.
Thank you.
You wiped my tears dry and you wiped yours too
Saying,
It's alright, it's alright.

It's not alright; I could have lost you forever. I could have, I could have.
If things were different, I could have.

My heart's broken, my spirits shaken and my soul bleeding.
Every time I think of you.

And the tears flow, even now.
Even now.

I can feel you, papa.
You're here.
I need you to hold me again, to reassure me I'm not dreaming.
That You're still here. Still here.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you,
Thank You.


* Dad met with an accident on Monday,
he's still here.
That's all that matters.

Breathes

It felt like forever since I've updated. Wait, it IS so.

Gosh. Where to start?

Global Youth Symposium '08 has come and gone. It was one heck of an experience, working with a group of young, vibrant people; hosting another group of young, vibrant people from all over the world!

So what would you get, putting them both together?
A freaking rainbow, that's what.
Beautiful, awe-inspiring and with a pot of gold at the end if it.
Run, run towards that pot!

Of course I screwed up my tests which came immediately after that exhausting week.
Heh. Oh well.
I screw my tests up now, too anyway.

What else?
I had the pleasure of making a new friend, a person who inspired me in so many ways. Her name's Chihiro, who came to Malaysia from Japan as an intern for Agathians Shelter, an orphanage under this project I'm in called Young Visionaries.
A project that I probably will not take up, if not for the chance of working on something I'm passionate about, with someone who thinks so much like me, i.e. think too much; that sometimes it's scary.

Chihiro's only 19 but she has accomplished so much and just puts in so much heart into whatever she does.
To come to Malaysia, on her own, to work in a shelter for 2 months? A new country, a new environment, with so much of the unknown?
I'm not sure whether I have her guts. Nor her vision.

She's helped me believe once more in the path that I'm walking on.
Helped me realize that the effort was all worth it.
That what I believe in, in Young Visionaries is real and palpable.
That in small ways, we can make a difference.

We went to Malacca together, 3 of us, Feli (the other half of Young Visionaries), Chihiro and moi as a sort of farewell trip before Chihiro left for Japan. It was cool in that we were carefree and we stayed at this sort of backpackers inn which was a steal-RM 13 for a night!? Blardy cheap.
It ended with a bang and a heart attack because we missed the bus home, which scared us shitless because her flight was that night itself.
How in the hell are we gonna come up with thousands of dollars for a new flight ticket home if there's no other buses?!ShitShitShiiiit!

But it ended well, there was another bus.
Having to pay for a new bus ticket sure beats having to pay for a flight ticket.

We are so going to miss her a lot.
(Feli, Chihiro, Moi)
Thanks Chihiro, for your company, your presence, your spirit.

Hmm..what else?

Trooped to USM, Penang for a MyPSA (M'sian Pharmacy Students' Assoc.) meeting which was so, so much fun.
We created a new group too....drumrolls....
SiaoPSA*!
And guess who's the President of that group?
Heh.

Recently attended an interview to be a facilitator for camp, aptly named 'SuperCamp' for kids and teenagers, by recommendation of a friend. If it works out well, I'll be away for about 2 weeks in December, to a place in Perak.
It'll be quite an experience, as facilitators from US will be coming in as well. The icing on the cake? I get paid for it. Wah liu..damn shiok.

And...

There's one other thing that's been happening too.
But that can wait, for another day.
Skippity-skip.


Oh yeah,
Can you believe that I have another 2 weeks left till the end of the semester?
which means one thing, that exams next month and
That I've almost completed 5/8 semesters.

Believe it, baby.




*Siao = Mad

Leave no stone unturned

I weep for the Penan people.

My heart bleeds for the lack of humanity.

Our own backyard?!

I'm afraid to hope but dear God,

please, please let Justice Prevail.

Do you remember..21st night of September

*SCREAMS*


Ohmygoditwassupercoolsuperexhilaratinggoosebumpinducingand..

I freaking love CHELSEA!

And the Malaysian team too lar. 2-0 is a respectable score in my book.

I need some honey for my throat.

and,

I'm heading for the Pearl of The Orient tomorrow!

*SCREAMS*

and,

I have tutorials tomorrow and it's 12.15 a.m and I haven't even completed reading one page!

*SCREAMS*

It's going to be a long, long night..

Random Midnights

I distinctly told my roomie that I vowed to sleep early today.
Here I am, at 1.31 am in the morning, typing this instead of dreaming about lollipops in la-la land.
Tsk tsk.

Lollipops shall wait a moment more for this must get off my chest.

To all whose paths I've crossed these few days;

I know I'm more quiet than I used to,
More preoccupied with the stuff that swirls in my head-mashed and squashed beyond recognition.

I know I'm less patient with frivolity,
Less tolerant of immaturity.

I'm sorry, I really am.

But I'm adjusting to this, this surrounding that surrounds me - the lessons I'm learning.
I'm feeling how to feel this, to sense this and make it work.

Bear with me, brothers, and sisters-
I'm trying to be a better me.

Nothingness

If I were to be completely honest?

I'm pretty terrified at the moment, with the life I'm living.

Granted, I've been in this situation before many times, and I've always thought I could handle it. But this time, it's different. The worst part about it all is this fear that I'm losing the devil-may-care part of me. The part that laughs a lot, jokes a lot, crap a lot.
The part that is seeping slowly out of me, noticeably.

I find myself hurrying, planning, thinking, doing. Lacking in sleep, rest and leisure.

And it shows. To me, at least The serious part of me is emerging, and with it, less smiles and nonsensical thoughts, less dreams and nothingness.

I'm not so sure whether I like this part of me or not.

And that's equally, if not more terrifying.

Finally!

Been tagged many, many times but am always too lazy to get around to do it.
Turning into a new leaf, so yeah..here it is.

Tagged by Miss Tan Ee Von & Mr. Lee Jun Xue!

8 things I'm passionate about :

1) Family & Friends
2) Food, glorious food!
3) Books
4) Music
5) A life well-lived
6) Love
7) Being happy
8) My smelly pillow

8 things I say too often :

1) What the hell?!
2) Wah....liu!
3) I'm good.
4) Yah man.
5) Seriously?!
6) Hungry la wei
7) Wei
8) No problem.

8 books I've read recently :

1) Persuasion by Jane Austen
2) Ellen Foster by Kanye Gibbons
3) MIMS (Go to Google, type MIMS - then you'll know why)
4) The Hours by Michael Cunningham
5) My diary
6) Night by Elie Wiesel
7) The Textbook of Radiopharmacy (gag)
8) The Good Omen by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett

8 songs I could listen to over and over again :

1) Dreaming My Dreams - The Cranberries
2) Lagu Untukmu - Meet Uncle Hussein
3) Landslide - Dixie Chicks
4) Freshmen - The Verve Pipe
5) Kau Ilhamku - Manbai
6) Your Woman - Whitetown
7) Itu Kamu -Estranged
8) When You Believe - Whitney Housten & Mariah Carey

8 things I learnt for the past year :

1) That saying No is not necessarily a bad thing.
2) That you can achieve amazing feats that you thought were impossible. As long as you never give up.
3) Eating a lot = gaining weight
4) Anything can happen in this world of ours.
5) This too, shall pass.
6) Be yourself, trust your instincts and speak from the heart.
7) That I am one hell of a lucky human being. What more to ask for? A loving family, superb friends, good food, enough money to spend, lots of love to go around.
8) Alone time is blissful.

8 people I tag (though I'm sure many would have done it already):

1) Esther Toh!
2) Mai Kai
3) Kenny
4) Felicita!
5) Samuel
6) Jeff
7) You
8) And you.

When diaries are bursting at the seams

When the weight of the world is on your shoulders,
and you feel that your bones can bear no longer;
Just look inside and scan your heart,
Dig deep for passion, that fills-overflowing.

Angels are around to light your way,
Though Dust may yet settle on ground,
When wind blows tender-warm and loving,
Stay still, and breathe-the air is that sweet.

Rejoice, and feel from tip to toe,
Rejoice! For feelings are, when feelings due,
Plod on, plough on, sink deep in the mud
Embracing the feet, swallowing it whole.

Live the moment, regret not one,
Nor half an inch or quarter,
Stay strong, dear mirror, don't loose sight
Never let go without a fight;

The joy my friend
Is in the little things,
That never seem important;

But pause awhile, let heart take over
Counseled by gut, brains of substance;
You won't go wrong, you'll never get lost,
Enjoy the present, Now is here.

A round of love for everyone!

Darn It!

Clock's ticking, teasing,

Laughing away.

Oh God, bring me down from the cloud and

Stick my butt onto the chair.

Let my notes never leave my sight;

And my mind not wander,

To everything else

But Radiopharmacy.

.......................drifting....

Away.

SHIT!

For posterity sake

There aren't many people with whom you can talk religion with, and even less with whom you can have an open, non-judgmental, no-holds-barred discussion about this particular topic.
It is something that is so intertwined in the human psyche, that it is almost always the next source of wonder, after name and perhaps, age.

Admittedly, I am one confused girl. I can be easily swayed to one direction but the downside to that is that I can be as easily swayed back to the point of origin. I find it all a bit amusing that people are born into a religion without that freedom of choice.
As amusing as the thought that if you're different, heaven has no place for you.

Have I told you about the notion I had as a kid? That I SO wanted to believe?
That Buddha, Jesus and the Prophet Muhammad are all friends and are looking down on human beings, wondering why we are screaming our heads off to see which is the best.
They definitely ain't fighting with each other.

But of course, many would love to disagree.

It was a small kid's fantasy and a big kid's wish.

Granted, I would love to experience all religions, just to find out its beliefs, values, theories and of course,logic. Can't help it man, I'm a student of science.
Go find fault with the Education Policy for breeding me this way.

Knowledge is a powerful thing and I just wanted to share what I've heard, earlier tonight at this simple centre in Tmn Eng Ann which my parents brought me to. It's a Buddhist centre, brought to fruition by a group of English-speaking devotees who felt the need of a Klang branch extended from the Buddhist Temple in Brickfields.
Do not misundestand my intentions, this is not a sermon nor teaching.
It is merely for debate, and

For posterity sake.

The speaker was one Sister Chan, who is a Professor ( I think) of Mathematics in INTI College. She spoke on Understanding Kamma (Karma) in a logical way, in a manner that captures your attention.


She said in Buddhism, there are 4 Unthinkables - things that just are, that cannot be fully understood : Nibbana, Kamma, (Omnipresence?) of Buddha and How the universe works.
Unthinkables, things that cannot be understood.

Now, I didn't know that.
I thought that was interesting.

She mentioned that Kamma is about intentions, rather than actions. Intentions lead to speech and action.
Good begets good, and bad begets, yeap- Bad.

Okay, that I know.

Kamma, accumulated from past lives is not a punishment, the concept is one of fruit-bearing, seen in physical effects and also of the mind.
If you're rich, you could be very generous in your past lives.
Brilliant? You probably asked a lot of questions in previous lives.
Beautiful? You ain't the jealous kind before.

Dark kamma cannot be erased, nor miraculously deleted.
They are like salt crystals, while good kamma is water.
A teaspoon of salt into a cup of water? Salty water.
A teaspoon of salt into a lake? Bye-bye saltiness.
Which basically means, do more good and you can soften the blow of accumulated bad kamma.
Dark kamma can be diluted.

Wow. I did Not know that.

It was a good 2 hour session, I came out of it a little more enlightened ( in a purely english sense and not the Buddhist one, mind you) and more curious which is always a good thing.

She ended with the story of the 4 Wives - which is quite famous and of many variations- which I will share here too.

There was this dying old man who had 4 wives. He asked the youngest wife, the 4th wife of whom he had spent a lot on, of whom he had clothed well and covered in fine jewels to follow him to the grave. Naturally, she declined. Saddened, he asked the 3rd wife, for whom he had toiled and worked endlessly for.
She replied harshly, "No, I will not! When you die I'm going to marry your son instead!"
Oo. Evil woman.

He then asked the 2nd wife, who was very loyal to him. Nonetheless, she too said no, saying that the most she could do was to pay her respects to him each year at the grave.
He was super sad.
Then came a small voice from a small, thin and frail woman sitting at the corner, " I'll go with you. I've been following you life after life, and I will continue to do so. I will support you."
It was his 4th wife.
Seeing her, it finally dawned on him that he had been neglecting her all this while, his first wife, who turns out to be the only one who would follow him to the grave.

As you would know, the wives are metaphors.
4th wife is the human body. A body you clothe and beautify as much as you could and yet get cremated/buried in the end.
3rd wife is money and property. All your property goes to your sons in the end. Ha-ha.
2nd wife is your family and friends - as much as they love you and are loyal to you, they could only pay their respects. At the graveyard.
1st wife is Kamma, that follows you through lives.

Kamma; the good, the bad, the in-betweens.

I just thought the whole thing was kind of thought-provoking.

For a Friday evening at the very least.

...

And the exams had to end eventually..

Exams are freaking over!

*runs around madly ala Macaulay Culkin's Home Alone*

Huge, huge sigh of relief.

Nope not thinking about results yet, not thinking..No, don't think. DON'T THINK!Bah.

Friday was Independence Day, God only knows how we managed to drag ourselves out for lunch and a little present hunting immediately after our last paper. Suffice to say we barely had 2 hours of sleep the night before.

Adrenaline is indeed an interesting and useful neurotransmitter.

Saturday was lovely, finally managed to go out as a gang-for the first time the whole semester, I think- (Ritz, Popo, Huei, Siu Gee and I) to The Curve for some mad, no-holds-barred celebratory get-together.
Had a delicious dinner at The Apartment, perky coke at McD's and squeezed in a spot of shopping. They bought me a bag for me birthday! Loved it.

Sunday afternoon was mom-daughter bonding time back home in Klang and at night?

Off to Redang BABY!

The place was awe-inspiring, though a little to commercialized for my liking.

Beaches have always been my weak spot though and so understandably, I didn't want to leave.
I brought a book along with me. A lovely book from a lovely person. Heh heh.
Thanks LW!

"Shit. Can I not go home?"

"Marry some snorkelling guy la, then can stay on lor."
I just might you know, they're all tanned, muscular and so, so mysterious.

Like those kind you read in paperback romance novels. Mills and Boons anyone?

But I could be wrong, (sheepishly) never read a Mills & Boons book in my life.

How can you not want to wake up to something like this each morn?!


It was interesting in that I went with 7 other coursemates who are from different backgrounds; of various personalities and values. But no matter how different we were, and how far apart we sit in the class, it was such a blast, really.
Unity in diversity indeed.







Waking up at 6.30 am to watch the sunrise. Well worth it, really.
Love 'em all to bits.


But wait, what's a beach holiday without a jumping picture eh?
Holidays always get to me.

We all need to jump once in a while.

Happy Bithday To..Me.

I could so feel the love.

I was kind of expecting it, but not at this scale. It's exam season so i could understand the sacrifice that they made to tear themselves away from their books, to walk all the way, to just be here for an hour or so - to celebrate this humble homo sapien's birthday.
And the time spent on getting gifts too, when time seems to just slip away from our grasp the harder we try to hold on to it.

Lovely friends.
Thank you so much Ritz, Feli, Yee Bee, Shea Jiun, Shin Chee, Cheok Men, Woan Lin, Pei Shan, Kai Siang, Jo Lin, Sai Hong, Siu Gee, Popo, Yah Huei, Guek Kee, Chu Chu, Wendy, Mei Poh and Meng Hong!

Gifts to be hugged, photos to browse through and memories to be kept for all times.

It's times like these that I should imprint in my mind-to remind myself of the many blessings that I have, during desperate and lowly hours.

For now, it's getting a little late and I'm going to bed with an overflowing heart.

Exams? What exams?

sleepy afternoon

"What is most important to you in life, other than your family?"

I was put in a spot, forced to think about something that I've never thought of seriously; to place what is important to me in a ranking order. The moment I said it though, it just felt so right.

"To make a difference."

Shit, I sound so cliched.

But that's it really, I would die happy even if I was poor and dying of hunger if I know that I have done just that- to have lived, loved hard, and leaving a little of my soul behind. A little with my family, a little with those I've had the privilege to cross paths with and a little in the eyes of whom I've known all my life and who have known me, all their lives as well.

I've been thinking about me ( who else to think about?) these few days, during dreamy moments amidst the times of studying. I wonder about my strengths and weaknesses and wonder whether I've become stronger or in fact, weaker. I think about the possible events that have happened in my life that could have bring about a more feeble me, a me that doubts and hesitates.

Uncertainties.
Shrouding endlessly.

But I know I'm me, and there will never be another quite like me.
My quirks and madness and strengths and of course, weaknesses come together to represent this human being that is me.
I may never be perfect but those imperfections are perfectly pivotal to build this 50 kg (probably more) worth of flesh and blood.

Plus, hearing, seeing and holding kids who are less fortunate (in conventional sense-family, money, education) puts things into perspective. Makes you realize just how blardy fortunate some of us are.

And to worry about little things like perception and imperfections?
So, So silly.

I'm in the driver's seat, this is my life and what I make of it is wholly my doing.
May not necessarily be a Mercedez Benz but I'm one freaking cool kap chai motor.

*mumbles

It is 2.59 in the morning and papers are strewn all over my table. I should be wrapped under a warm blanket, sleeping but dread is stopping me in my tracks. The looming fear that is exams.
Sanity is getting a little bit harder to hold on to each day.

It is now 3.30 in the morning and there are still whispers in the night.
Clopidogrel as an antiplatelet.
What is the role of ADP on adenylyl cyclase activity leading to platelet aggregation?
Behold the power of google.

It's 3.39 a.m.
I'm not even halfway through...

God help us all.

Friday Night

I Grew.

I flip through old photographs of me; I couldn’t recognize the girl in those pictures anymore.

I don’t feel like her, I may even be forgiven if I mistook her for a stranger.

You know deep down in you; that you somehow have a connection with her but you know for sure that she is not what you are today.

Do you remember how scared you were of something new?

Do you remember how unsure you were about being who you are?

That you were terrified, absolutely terrified that you will lose that eloquent self that you were.

Afraid that you find out that you were, in fact a hypocrite.

You find that you stumble upon pieces of yourself scattered everywhere.

You find a piece one day, the next; maybe the next week.

Uncertain of who you are morphing into,

Hoping and praying that she is a better person than who you were.

And you thought your soul-searching teenage days were over.

You were wrong my friend, you’re still growing.

And my friend, I think you secretly rejoice in the fact that you are; in fact, still growing.

No matter how freaking scary it is, a dark room, wondering if there is a candle at the end of your journey-that you will find your skin.

Your beautiful brown skin.

Neither white, nor ebony,

Your freaking brown-yellow skin.

And your beating, bloody heart.

Double, double, toil and trouble

Nah, kawan, dah update pun!

It has been a long, long time since I've had a weekend in which I don't have to study. I mean, it would be best to study but there is no freaking test waiting for me when sulk back to Uni so yeah read : bye bye books.

For 2 days at least.

2 days of pure bliss for my tired body and mind. Such sheer, unadulterated bliss that I slept purata 10 hours each night. Double that I would get back in ye ol' UM.
I would have slept longer if not for my dad's
"Wake up lor! It's already 1 pm forgoodnesssake!"
and mom's tut-tuts.

Almost tempted to retort,
"Aiya, dear mummy, my sleeping genes are from you."
Genes.
One word that will forever remind me of a lecturer but that's another story.

So it was a weekend where I could do whatever I want and one which I felt propelled me to a new degree of independence and got me thinking about life in general, and in particular of a girl in her twenties. You see, I drove to Uni and back ON MY OWN for class on Friday.

You might be thinking, what's the big deal? You're already 22 years old for pete's sake.
Now, if you don't know me very well, or rather my parents very well, I am one of those who grew up in a very protective cocoon.
I'm not saying that it is necessarily a bad thing but sometimes I do feel that being brought up the way that I was brought up, granted, I'm not smoking pot or playing truant but I'm probably not that assertive as I would have been otherwise.
A few examples ,

" Where'd you wanna go?"
"Erm, anywhere."

"What do you wanna eat?"
"Erm, anything."

"You wanna jump off the cliff?"
"Erm, anything la. You want me to jump I'll jump."

I feel at times, that I'm the epitome of a crowd pleaser and some of the times, during those times, I just wish I could just give myself a big kick in the ass.
WTH? Cannot think for youself ar?!

And as silly and outrageous as it sounds, driving alone, to me actually forces you to be more decisive and therefore more independent. You see, it's solely your decision to speed, it's your decision to change lanes and you alone decide where you want to park and how you park it
You want to scratch your car? Go ahead, scratch away-more power to you, dude.
There is no one else to guide you and decide for you. You can't very well wind down your window and scream to the next car,
"Eh, can I cut you ar?!"

You just do it.
When you feel like it.

Who knew that a car key holds so much meaning to it.
Or maybe I'm just thinking too much.

It's always good to have girlfriends, and always fun to meet up and talk, gossip whatever. Had a great dinner with uni pals on Weds and managed to meet up with Cyen and then with Esther these few days. It's funny that the topic will invariably turn to love lives or rather the lack of it in my case.
...

Nope.

Not one to whine.

Sitting around

Thanks feli for the internet connection!

There's a clock on my table and it's ticking away. A square box-like object, it cuts a lonely figure in the corner, away from the sea of messiness that threatens to engulf Time. It's inching closer tho.

Poor thing.

Dear void that is cyberspace, I'm not doing too good in tests but its alright.
Sometimes things get a lil' unbearable but thats okay,
Sitting down at the table to study might seem like a pain, but its just a pain in the butt.
It will go away soon enough.


Life is still full of unexpected surprises, that comes in all shapes and colours, even rockets and greens.
There is still humour, if only you would look for it in all the unlikely places.
And there is still love, if you'd allow it into your heart.

Aiyo.
must go study now.

Sigh. Fine. You win.

Bye people!

Baaaaaackkk!

Well, well, well..
It's been almost a month since I've updated me blog! Can you believe it? I have plenty to borak about but sigh, just too little time. I even missed a Chinese New Year Post, non-existent Valentine's post and yeah, a whole-lotta other posts.
Having been able to snatch some precious time to do this, I'd just like to share with you what I've been up to these days..especially on weekends when I don't come home.

Anyway, I just wanted to spread the word around and if you'd like to contribute, or join us(of which you are most welcome to do so) then come on board!

So yeah, here it is!

Young Visionaries Initiative '07/'08

Love you guys,
Bubye.
xoxoxo

The night I chose the fluttering angel

Part 1 :

C : "Eh? Where's sim mei lar?"

Roomie : "Oh, She decided to go to the Buddhist Society's Hymns Concert instead"

C : "She blew off clubbing with us over that?"

Shit.

How 'Lil' Miss Goody-two-shoes' more can I get?

Sigh.

For the record, I decided to go to the concert as a show of support for this friend of mine who's in the commitee. I've already given my word, and I was shoved responsibilities at the last minute; so yeah, the angel on my left shoulder won and the devil poofed away.


Angel : 1 , Devil : 0.

...

Part II :

Bought ALL my new year clothing in ONE day! Haha.

And all in a couple of hours.

Not bad, not bad at all.

...

Part III :

Blardy hell. New year holidays is non-existent. I have 4 freaking tests awaiting me when University reopens.

Not to mention tons of assignments and work to do.


Gimme a gun, I'm gonna go shoot some people.

...

Part IV :

I think I liked myself better when I listen more than I speak.

Stop trying to be someone you're not.

Stop trying to be funny.

You find yourself wanting to kick yourself in the ass often enough.

...

Part V :

You're putting on weight. Don't deny any longer. Go find more ice-cream to eat.

...

Part VI :

Jogoya Jogoya Hey!

Jogoya Jogoya Ho!

Jogoya Jogoya Dei!

Jogoya Jogoya Let's Go!

Hah!

And the music played on..

The sky was downcast; the wind was blowing through our hair, chilling our bones , our hearts, our souls.
Droplets of rain fell onto our skins, dripping off onto the tarred ground.
The horn blared, the organ played, the drums drummed.
The funeral procession started.

My uncle passed away on Monday at the age of 83 and today was the funeral.
He lived long, he lived hard and the idea of him passing must have played in our minds but when the news came, it was still a shock; a little hard to digest.

It was hard, seeing the house that my family and I go to every single week, sometimes every other day even, being converted into a place of mourning. Hard to believe that the man will no longer be there, the man whose presence I took for granted.
It was even harder seeing my aunt, being the strong woman that she is, looking so vulnerable; her love for him so palpable, so solid.
Things will never be the same.

And yet, with loss, grief and tears, there can still be strength. Life is displayed by the energetic young grandchildren running with cunning in their eyes while monks chant in the background. Humour is in the muffled laughter and smiles when something funny crops up.
Continuance is in the din heard when the clan come together.
Life goes on indeed, when the mourning is over and respect is accorded.
Life goes on indeed when the same aunt, presses those present to "Eat some more!"
Life goes on indeed when everyone gathers around the food table, stuffing themselves silly and talking about anything at all.
And to some extent, we all know that to be true.
That life indeed will go on.

Life gained, life lost; life lived, life passed.

Make it one helluva ride.

Rest in peace, dear uncle.

Sometimes memories, like a mischievous child, play tricks on the mind, and that which seems real might not have occured at all.
But sometimes it seems too real to ignore.
And wounds may cut deep and the mind chooses to delete and is unsure,
and yet it haunts, and questions remain unanswered.
But the journey continues, and forgiveness is due.
For the sake of me, and for you.
The past is that, the past;
And I'll remember to forget,
To not look back and wonder
But to let it go, to set it free
For it is what it is,
and I am what I am;
No one's at fault.

No one's to blame.

That will set us free.