Time

365 days of laughter and memories.


365 days of love.

Happy Anniversary Dear,

Love,
Baby.

Indeed

I should do the things that I want to do.

Sometimes.

It's just that I have to know what I want to do in the first place.

And sometimes, it's not as easy as it seems.

tick tock

8 a.m
The cock crows
The newspaper beckons

9 a.m.
We love OPRAH!!!
and
Food too, of course

10 a.m.
Dad's home
To the land of internet we go!
The laptop's switched on....*tap tap tap fingers on table*

11 a.m.
Going bonkers with e-mails

12 p.m.
Seeing circles on monitor screeen
Where's my FoOOOD?!?

12.30 p.m.
Food arrives =D =D =D Happy Me.
Sudah habis The Star, The Sun pulak.

1 p.m.
Tap Tap Tap on keyboard and/or
other things to do

2 p.m.
as above

3 p.m.
as above

4 p.m.
boring kan?

5 p.m.
Where's mom?!?

5.30 p.m.
Sudah datang!


My life for now.

Guilty as charged

Guilt Guilt Guilt Guilt.


*Sigh.

This is what happens when you're at home and your thesis is only yours to do.

You PROCRASTINATE!


*Slaps self x 1000*

Flip Flip Flip

Am flipping through (like pages) blogs / sites offering clothes/accessories for sale; triggered by Esther's tales of getting a hair straightener.

I'm supposed to be doing my thesis.

I must say, things are actually pretty cheap! And very the tempting.

But cannot lar. Something's stopping me. The Penang kiam-siapness probably. Heh.

Though I do sometimes wonder what it would be like if I would loosen my purse strings a little *wriggly fingers like Ebenezer Scrooge* for pretty little things to wear and twirl in. Look at me Look at me!

haih. But no.

Not now. Now I'm just a pig-nerd-in-glasses; whose spending is limited to good food and loads of books to add to the collection; untouched and unread yet.

I'm thinking maybe later, when I earn my own money? Then I'll probably be the first in line to shopping malls. Buying trendy things that make people's eyes pop. For good reasons of course. Because I'm so darn hot that's why.

And buying my mom a designer bag.

OMG. My goals so materialistic one. Beh tahan. lol.


But shit la.

The cocktail dresses online are so drool-worthy.

Donkey betul. -__-

Random

It's not easy managing people.

People step all over my head like crazy.

I can be nice,

But please don't take advantage of me.

Because I can blow up one day. And then you better run for cover.

Eyes Half Shut

Sometimes I wish all the Gods in this world would merge and become one, instead of people exclaiming that theirs is the one true God.
Blasphemous?

I don't know.

What is right, what is wrong?

Who goes to heaven, and who to hell?
Disturbing ain't it, when people are condemned automatically to the depths of the fire.

I found that disturbing when I was younger, and it is disturbing to me still.
But with eyes more open now, it seems to me that humans are their worst enemy.
Distortions and twists, all borne out of fear and self-centeredness.

The ME in everyone, that feeds off glory and attention and perceived greatness.
That I am right, therefore you're wrong.
If I can prove you're wrong, therefore I'm right.

Which brings me to the question again,
What is right, what is wrong?

Mere words, that's what.

Sometimes it seems to me that the more I read, the more confused I get.
Hmmm.
I do believe in God
I believe what I believe and
I guess

that's it.
...

I woke up today with pretty bad swollen eyes.
Been thinking a lot.

Had breakfast, cleared my work and did my things.
Thought a lot.

Dropped by at the library and found a book that I've been dying to read:
Paul Coelho's The Alchemist
And it made me think too.

Made me think about life, love and everything in between.

Impermanence; that life is only worth what you lived it to be.
What is ours will fade away, for it is not ours to hold on to, at the very beginning.

Surrender; to live in the moment and to surrender.
To live and- if to die, it is as a good a day to die than any day.

Peace; beauty is around us if only we lift our heads to see it as it is.
Beautiful as always. Things will fall into place, for nothing else if not for the best.


The value of me, the value of who I am and what I believe in, the value of my actions and its consequences.

Of the truth I am afraid no longer.


As hard as it is for me to see it.
I have to learn,


That I am worth it.

Sunday

It's Sunday night and I'm bored out of my wits.

Tears come for no reason and then they go away.

The highs and lows are back again, Feli.
Just when I thought that it was over.

But I have faith that it will go away. That I'll be stronger. That the both of us will be stronger. I'm 200% positive about that.

I believe that with all my heart.

....

Had fun with parents today.
Did a little bit of shopping, finally!
And gave mom her birthday present.
It's a pair of pink pearl earrings which luckily she liked; though I bought her earrings for her birthday countless times before. Heh.

Oh well, only like what 3 times only ma.
When you've bought so many birthday prezzies for the mom, you kind of run out of things to buy.
Wait la har. When I've earned loads of moo-lah, I'll buy her a holiday or some designer bag which I know she really wants but cannot afford.

Till then, hope that my love would make the small gifts suffice! *grins

....

I'm staying back in college out of choice.
For thesis sake and to settle a lot of things pending.

I thought I'll be okay, with the one I love being so close.
Closer than if I was home.
I figured we'd spend more time together, now with exams out of the way.



But right now I feel so blardy alone.



Ever more so than ever.

Rain rain go away

Esther : Why your blog ah, always so depressing posts one.

Me : *grins* Depressed only have to express mar, so mah express on this void that is cyberspace lo.


Anyways, if its happy times, I'll tell people personally one. Malas want to write. Heh.

So in the spirit of this,

This post is also to exclaim that,

There's a cloud hanging over my head.
Sigh. I'm sure the cloud will go away very, very soon.


please?

I need a clearer head with sleep but sleep is avoiding my like a plague

Sometimes I wonder,


What have I gotten myself into?

Is it all that worth it?

...

Experienced the raw manifestation of sheer tactlessness today.

And what I absolutely beh tahan is that I allowed them to see me in a moment of weakness.

When I so needed strength- it deserted me.
A distinct reminder yet again, that I am only human.


I'm never quick to anger, but in this case -
I really cannot see the sincere intentions of it all; other than hypocrisy and narcissism.
At least at this very moment.


Which is really, very sad.


Belittling people covered in a thin, translucent shroud of an excuse;
dosn't justify the meaning of service in the smallest sense.


If you can't see that, then I wish you a happy life.
Like, sincerely.

And his fleece was white as snow

Bored to tears so I changed to white on a whim.

So bright and cheery no?

*grins

Let's see how long this one will last.

Maidens and Monsters

Very the long never the write the England oredi.
Suddenly feel the England very the fun!



Swirling, swoosh!

Flying thoughts, waving faintly back.

Swing and twirl, dropping

slow onto The feet.



Ah Words, glorious words.

Crisp morning, the smell of books!

Transport me to faraway lands of magic.

Of maidens and monsters, dwarfs and donkeys.



Eh wait. That's a horse.

Somwhere over the rainbow

Somewhere along the line I forgot that the only thing that matters really, is that I've done all I could and did my best.


Somewhere along the way, I forget that I'm human like everyone else-that I err; that I'm not perfect.

I forgot that it's perfectly okay to be imperfect.


Somewhere along the road I forgot that to be a friend, I have to be a friend-and that nothing beats a cup of good tea (or several for that matter).


Somewhere whilst chasing the rainbow that seems lethally breathtaking,

I forgot to smell the roses by the side of the road and soak in everything; its bittersweet smell, its thorns, its beauty.



And somewhere along now, I remembered.

Faces

I think it's hilarious that people can see my face and assume that I'm stressed.
Especially when I'm not, at that moment.


I know stress, and I try to avoid it;

But it's difficult when you have it spelled out to you so often.


If I'm stressed and I want you to know about it, I would tell you.

If not, I'm perfectly fine, no worries.

The mileage has gone over the roof

PMS- ing like giler. But the timing's off what.

Why the tears won't stop flowing then?

Like so crazy one..Beh tahan.


I think it's the cleansing, servicing time.

But enough already!

Cis.

I need some endorphins

I'm never one to wear my heart on me sleeves, me think.

Suck it in, why bother others with some burden of yours that will not aid in any way in what they coping with right now? For all you know, they might be barely surviving themselves.
So I just suck it in and cope, using all the mechanisms available.
Sleep,
relax,
a walk,
inspiration.

It's not working that well anymore.

I'm thinking that I should change my ways.
It's been a pretty rough few weeks; so caught up in so many emotions - sometimes finding it hard to find back the happy-go-lucky, devil-may-care me.
So much so that I feel that I've inadvertently pushed those closest to me away.

I wonder is it because I'm bottling everything up?
Would it be better to just spill whatever I'm feeling at that precise moment?

Anger, to react in anger,
Sadness, to show that emotion in all its glory.

But that's rarely me.
Good thing or a bad thing? I know shit.

....

Sadness.
That's where we diverge.


Different thoughts, expectations.


To go through each minute of the day with the thought of that hour plus moment in the not-to-distant;
A light that somehow help me find a way to survive suckiness, unhappiness, stress.
With the thought of that moment.
That closeness.


But when the time comes, just so much sadness.
To have it dissipate into nothingness.


It just breaks my heart to pieces.

2:25 a.m

What a week, what a week.

Please give me strength.
And serenity

to accept the things I cannot change.

And the courage to change the things I can.


It's Friday.
Thank GOD.

What a week. *shakes head*
*Deep breath

Water

The lesson I guess,

is humility.

Just got that while showering, lol.


I think I'll survive.

Oh wow.

Blardy hell.
This has got to be the most stress-inducing semester ever.

Oh.my.god.

Never have I felt this helpless with the workload. It's so bad that the crazy notion entered my head, no matter how hard I try to push it way;
I felt shortchanged.
Felt like I always have to work doubly hard compared to everyone else in everything.

Which is nonsense really, because who am I do compare?
Who's to say whose burden is heavier than another?

Believe me, I can write a whole long list of discontentment if I'd want to but I know that wallowing in self pity is not the way to go.

As much as I want to believe that everything happens for a reason, sometimes I just want to curl up and go to sleep.
And forget about everything.

But I can't. And I know that I won't because I'm stronger than that.
The nonsensical part is that I know it, but I just don't feel it.
Which sucks a lot.


Tired.
I'm just very tired.

Specks of peace, smattering of love

Adoi...

So much to do. tsk tsk.
Oh well.

I really needed this past week.
Was feeling like I was losing bits of myself prior to this; to what, I have no idea.
Probably to the idea of perfection.
To the extend of sacrificing self to obtain that? I don't think I want that anymore.
I think I'll just stick to the imperfect little me.

It's been a good week. Loads of stuff to do and I probably haven't finished half of what I set out to do, but it's still good. =)
Nothing beats home to rejuvenate the self. And a special someone as well, no doubt.

Let's see...
G-Force on Friday, got eaten alive by mosquitoes on Saturday-of which I had 200 earfuls from my parents about- and bawling my eyes out for Benjamin Button.
Yes. I finally watched that after god-knows-how-long.
Was crying so hard I woke him up. lol.
Being hugged so tight hasn't felt this good.

Basically slept away Sunday, shut meself up on Monday to do my proposal and Tuesday.
Oh Tuesday was fun-visiting an old friend of his family's.
Goes to prove that friendship transcends race and religion.

Weds was proposal Part II and Korean with the gang. Looking at the young couple who joined us that evening just made us think how far ahead we've gone in this thing called life. Makes one feel a whole lot older, really.

It's been 5 freakin years since Lower 6!
Wow.

In the words of Pau's, in another 5 years -we'd all be settling down with children, probably.
Hard to believe for some perhaps, but I do hope so. =)

And today. Assignments galore, and assignments to go. But here I am, reflecting upon a week that seemed trivial at first but turned out to be just what I needed.
Nothing much really, just my bed, my smelly pillow and a cup of hot milo in the mornings with the newspaper; crisp morning wind blowing through the stained door.

That's.all.I.need.

And tomorrow, oh tomorrow,
what with the oldest friend on the block, it'll be awesomeness!

May your days be sprinkled with specks of peace and a smattering of love.
For what's the world without love?

Sundays

One day at a time - that's how I'm feeling at this point of my life.

I seem to have some fleeting glimpse of the future; my goals but they're fragmented and irregular. I wonder why, is it disillusionment? Or practicality seeping in, replacing all that is idealistic?

Is it part of growing up? Is the inner child dissipating? Oh no. Oh crap. Oh Shit.

Haih. Dra to the ma.

I want to be carefree, I want live.

Maybe I should work on being it rather than wanting it eh?

But I'm feeling the responsibilities on my back. Classic case of I can run but I cannot hide. They are there. In blocks, sitting quietly but looming at the corner, you KNOW they're there.
How to run ? Correct anot?

Correct Correct Correct.

I'm feeling many lessons being thrown my way. I'm learning to accept, to compromise, to think.
And I realized that my fuse is actually quite short, to my huge surprise.
I thought I've always prided myself as being patient.

Patient to some extent I guess.

And friendships? They are blardy important.
I tend to forget that sometimes,
I shouldn't and I won't.
Relationships. Beautiful stuff indeed.

Don't forget, dear self. That you're still here.
So live, already.
Correct?

Dazed

Spinning heads;

Uncertainties,

Irritability.

When will my old self return?

..............

Sometimes I just want to lie down and cry.
But I can't.

So I end up wandering and wondering, and so very-dazed.

What's the lesson in this?

What?

Exhale.

It was so difficult maintaining my composure in class.
I didn't want to appear shaken, I wanted to be the rock.

The optimistic.

I so badly wanted to look at the bright side of things but I just wanted to be alone in my room.

Alone with my thoughts, the sadness just poured out in bucketloads.
It stopped at intervals, at times when my head took over the reins - filling itself with inspirational sayings, beliefs, thought processes.

And yet when the heart wants to nudge the head over, it could with little resistance.

And the bucketloads start again.

It's hard not to be affected by this. I so badly wanted to do something that would be beneficial, something that I know I can do with my capabilities; something for the betterment of health and science.

Something that I can work on without any purpose other than for the quality and the potential of it.

I wasn't afraid of work. I wasn't looking for the easy one. I wasn't looking for a score-able topic.I just wanted knowledge and the chance to work on something that would utilize ME the most.

But it all boiled down to shitty luck.
The last I checked, I was wearing red underwear.
It freaking didn't work.

I cannot lie, it hurts. It hurts so blardy bad it's hard to remain the sunny me.

I know I can get through this, deep down inside I know that. The sun will rise again, the birds still chirp and everything still runs.

I know that life is what we make of it, and that I will make the most of the situation.

But at this blardy moment. It.hurts.

And then it was Fourth

And so I'm back in University of Malaya.

So nice of the college admin; they gave me me old room back! Awesomeness.

And so classes will start tomorrow and along with it, endless assignments, discussions and fried brain cells.

Lack of sleep will soon follow and breathing becomes something to be reminded about.

This time it's different though. This time I'm a final year student. Old as old can be. In a year's time, I'll be embarking on a new phase of life, a new chapter, a new everything.

So here's to an amazing Final Year; memories, lessons and laughs.

Ahhh...Chooo. Excuse-moi

Donkey betul..

Thought can enjoy to the maximum the last few days of holidays but kena quarantined pulak.
It's a choice I made; social responsibility man! lol.
I even stayed home two nights in a row while parents went out.

But should be okay I guess. I am monitoring my temperature religiously and so far no fever nor any symptoms of flu.
Out of social obligation, went to report myself to the hospital today but they will only test those with symptoms.
The person in charge said I don't even have to self-quarantine. -____- Adipavi!

Wanted to check into my hostel since I was already in KL but they will only check in medical students from Klang.
wahlao.

I'm also from Klang wat.

Oh well, at least I could bring mom to breakfast and spend some quality time.

Latent period of H1N1 is about 4 days which makes today the 4th day since my last contact with a patient.
So far feeling fine.
So yes, I will want to meet people tomorrow. Contact-Deprived!

"Nah. Drink this, the chinese medical hall fella say this herb is good for H1N1 one"

Wah. Got such thing one ar. Trust the sinseh for a cure for anything!
Sigh. Also have to drink la.

No worries, peeps!=) I'll just use the extra holidays to laze some more. lol.

Cheerios!

Mari adik mari abang!

Stumbled upon this when I was rummaging through the net looking for a Malaysian song.

lol.

Makes you think of the good old days eh?

And its the karaoke version to boot!

Feel free to sing your hearts out everybody. Don't shy shy. Haha.

Moi? Fashionista? oOoo Merci!

With this much time on my hands, it figures that I would start surfing aimlessly on the internet; and looking up sites that I wouldn't normally do.

Like this one :

FASHION Magazine

What the hell is my body shape lar? Pear? Apple? Orange? Papaya? OMG. The dilemma. lol.

Back in ye ol' days, I sometimes do lament the lack of branded or cool clothes; but I'm pretty glad that I'm past that stage (that's what I tell myself) and that I had that adolescent experience in the early millenium rather than now.

Looking at kids these days, they do grow up way faster than our generation: the 80s' babies.
When I was their age, I used to dress in my brother's oversized t-shirts. And the amazing part was that I thought I looked damn cool. Seriously. Together with that centre-parted short hair.
Can't imagine living through that again in this PSP, Nokia and Sony world. Boy am I glad that that phase is over..

Oh wait. I still have his old shirts in my cupboard but that's different....

I admittedly, am never informed about fashion, the trends and the like; influenced mainly by the lack of funds to splurge on 'Style Essential Buys' and 'Top 10 Things To Own in Your Wardrobe'.

If I have 20 bucks in my pocket, chances are I would buy another book with it. Obviously something I cannot wear.

I'm still a girl though, and I do enjoy fashion; shows that is. It's fun to see other people having makeovers and beautiful clothes. My closet favourite is still 'America's Next Top Model'.
Hard to guess eh?

Having browsed through several fashion pages, I do feel like a semi-pro.

Now all I need is the cash.

Darn.

Orbs

OMG.

My parents are on this diet of Hokkien shows that I get inadvertently pulled into their world.

The world of *lim peh's' , am kor's and ah bu's ; of family turbulence and moral values.

Wahlau eh.

Siao liao.

See!?

And no. My Hokkien hasn't improved from all that, thankyouverymuch.

I know la. My grasp of the language sucks, but I really do regret not practicing it when I was younger. I can't remember when I started not speaking Hokkien that much, it just slips away. My household is about 95% English now.

Sigh.

I do wish I'm more fluent in my mother tongue. Half mother tongue at least.



* (in order) your father, but and mother



Oh great orb; whence will my mom's car get fixed?

...

Written words

Mom : "Can start a warehouse sale lo"

-_-'"

...

Am in the middle of Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now. It's so true to me that I'm taking blardy long to finish it; just so I can swallow each word, digest and let it come out the other end.

And then do it all over again.

It's using up so many brain cells then I often end up lethargic and sleepy soon afters, before the clock strikes 12 even.
Perfect remedy for a good night's sleep.

Go Lakers Go Lakers Go!

Kena tembak kau kau for not updating. lol.
Oh well!

It's always best to give everything you're doing, your all.

For example, if you're playing basketball, you should give it your 100%; faster, harder, stronger.

If you're working on a project, you should give it your utmost commitment.

So if you're on a holiday like yours truly, it's really quite obvious that you should do nothing but bummed your bum bum away.

Shake your bon bon, shake your bon bon!

Yeap. That's basically what I've been doing these few weeks. Waking up relatively early, have some breakfast, read the papers front to back, watch some tv and pack my stuff.

For some reason, my family seems to be content in shifting our stuff from home one box per day. A perfect illustration of 'Sedikit-sedikit lama-lama jadi bukit.' I'm in the process of transporting me books. Bucketloads.
To the uninitiated, I am, proudly a collector of books and a groupie of warehouse sales.
The first time I set sights on a 2nd hand bookstore, I thought I was dreaming.
When I stepped into my first Pay-Less Warehouse Sales, I thought I've gone to heaven.

As the smelly aroma of dusky old books fill the room and I gently wipe away the thick dust that covers the yellow pages, shaking off tiny specks into the atmosphere; memories of heroines, the unknowns and pipe-smoking detectives come flooding back.
In bits and minced pieces of course.

And that's minus all my notes and old school books and stuff. Sigh, why did I keep em in the first place? Lesson to self : Keeping just in case, is absolutely no good for a clutter-free home.

As for all the children's books, I probably would donate them to an orphanage or kids of friends of mom.

...

Its times like this that I wish I have a car, a car to zoom away to far away distances of food and good company. I would show up at friends' place beeping and we'd rush off to savour exotic dishes and laugh our asses off.

And when 5 pm comes, I would gallop on this imaginary horse straight to Subang. Haha.

But that horse ain't appearing just yet. Darn.

...

And yeap, introduced Adam to almost everyone in the gang yesterday at 'Siva's' Housewarming. It's an 'all-at-once-want-to-bully-now's-the-only-chance' thingy.
It was fun seeing them all after sooo long.
Didn't scare him, so thats good.
I KNOW you guys talked about us once we've left. lol.
Don't bluff.

So, Uni friends done, Form 5 friends done. Which leaves us with Primary School Friends, Pre-Form 4 Friends, Form 6 Friends and Non-schoolmates. And Miscellaneaous. Hah.

And of course, that small, teeny bit matter of my family. *Ahem.

...

In case you're wondering why I'm so free, I'm waiting for the new semester's Registration to be open.
Supposed to open at 9 a.m.; it's now 9.55 a.m.

Wow. Way to go UM, man.

...

Okaythatsit.
Want to go watch Lakers beat Orlando Magic's buttocks.

Sniff

I wanted to blog on so many things; but could only come up with only one thing right now.


I miss my chayang.

Sigh.

I need my book fix.

Glances at the clock

Today's paper has been quite the very crappy.

But dude,

One more paper left.

*breathes

Tick Tock Tick Tock

*when will the clock strike 5.15 pm ?


Okayamyitstimetomovethatbigbuttofyours!

moveitmoveit!

Lesson for today

I know I know, I have a paper tomorrow.

Argh!

But I just have to let this one go.

It's so easy to lose oneself, to a relationship; agreeing just to keep the peace.

But I've learned today that it's so stupid of me to think that I should compromise my thoughts for the sake of an artificial sense of 'well-being'.

So unreal because even if it looks alright at the surface,
that surface will never remain unbroken forever - as fragile as it actually is.

I've learned that it's perfectly okay to disagree;
that he'll still be there even if we clash in opinions-so long that we talk it through and that our intentions are good.

But not petty arguments, of course.

It stems from insecurity, I know. And the years of being a crowd-pleaser.
A defender of peace, an advocate of 'Anything-la.'

From the outside, I always thought that I'm smarter than that, that I'm stronger than that. But I guess being in it, is a whole different ballgame altogether.
I've fallen into traps that I've vowed never to fall.

I'm glad that you made me see the error of my ways. For giving me that wake up call.
For showing me that I'm letting myself slip through my grasp.

And for loving me throughout it all.

That's the lesson I've learned,

For today.

Random morning with papers strewn

I’ve read Og Mandino’s ‘The Choice’ a couple of years ago and finished it in one sitting, reading late into the wee hours of the morning. It was an incredibly insightful book, one that brought tears to my eyes; one that had me reaching out for my diary to scribble down one single sentence :

“I choose a better way to live!”

Indeed.

Along the way, as how the book aptly describe it, we ride on this high wave of feel-good-nothing-is-impossible-I-can-do-anything until the wave crashes into the golden burnt sand again.

Along the way, we forget. I forget.

But blessed is he, for he has the printed word.

I picked up the book again, in the wee hours of the morning yesterday; mind tired after a barrage of examinations but unwilling to sleep, wanting to milk the moment a little longer-the knowledge that I have one week before the last two papers.

I’m weird, I know. Sleepy when I shouldn’t be but insomniac when sleep is totally affordable.

And the words sprang out and touched me again, like waves, it hit me again.

“So long as I have something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for, I shall be happy.”

People look for happiness; seeking for things or someone to make them happy but sometimes we forget that the only thing that can make us happy,

Is ourselves.

Satisfied are we, with all that we have; the half-filled glass, that nail-less toe, we shall be happy.

We choose to be happy. Happiness is ne’er about owning an iPhone or the latest car; Happiness is within us.

For what’s it worth, having the yellow sunbeam gracing upon our skin can be as much a source of joy as anything else. It’s our choice, such blessing it is; to be able to choose.

I can blardy well be elated that I’m able to read and learn about Pharmacoepidemiology and to learn that Camellia sinensis is tea; such beautiful, exquisite name.

Atropa belladonna. How it rolls the tongue, filling the head with images of beautiful dolls in flowing white dresses, dancing along to tinkling bells in green and yellow meadow.

It is, and always will be my choice, you know. *grins

I’m grateful for a lot of things, for I’m living a very blessed life by many standards. Lest I forget, which is normal, let me read, recollect and remember. And let me remind myself that to be able to breathe itself is awesomeness to its core.

I choose a better way to live! Version 2.0

Love,

Me.

And I turn 23

When I blew out my 22nd birthday cake candle over at Pyramid surrounded by family and a dear friend Feli, I never would have thought that that year was going to be such a thrilling and crazy ride.

When I blew out that candle, I never would have thought that I was going to celebrate my 23rd birthday there at Pyramid too.

When I blew out that brightly-lit candle, I never would have thought that I'll be celebrating my 23rd with someone so incredibly special; my life, my love, my everything.

God works in mysterious ways indeed.

Love strikes your unguarded heart when you least expect it, and love also, is an opportunity that you have to grab unabashedly; a journey of which the first step you must take; a choice that you have to make with palpitating heart.

And when it strikes, it strikes hard with pin-point accuracy.

Of course it hasn't been easy, sometimes finding myself being very-the-girl; an emotional human being whose tears suddenly found a new canal to flow. We have disagreements of course, but I would go through it again in a heartbeat;
Because with him I learn more; with him I grow; with him I feel.

I love him more than I could ever deem possible, I love him in every sense of that word,

I love him regardless.

The awesomeness of it all.

Dear,

In the middle of blogging this, the phone rang and your face appeared on my little screen.
A smile broke out, the kind that you said earlier today looked like it can never be wiped off.

Like a school girl, I curled up on the bed
With you on the other end.

And I told you I was blogging.

Dear,
Thank you for being in my life, sharing, loving, living. Thank you for the moments that I hold forever in me, thank you for the birthday gift that reduced me to a bumbling, crying wreck.


It's you, you know. It has always been you, and will always be, you. And I know that you know it.


I love you, Adam Henry Sivapatham.



More than you'll ever know.

Midnight

Emotions
Swirling inside, twisting its way out
Failing which
it splits
into a Million directions
Gravitate, the heart.

What's this wetness?
So palpable so easy?
Affect Affected Affection.

Too much,
Thoughts.

Thoughts
Monosyllable,
Varying, Unwary, Unwanted, Thrown aside.

Limitations of self,
Surfacing a while,
A breath,
And dived deep, deep
Into the pit of impenetrable silence.

The past cannot be changed,
Can only be learned.

A thousand things,
One head.
One heart.
One belief.


Believe?

.
..
...



Yes.

A drop from the sky

Someone once told me that I only update my blog during the exams/tests/stressful period/when I should be utilizing my time to study.
Which is quite true.
I'll do anything to get out of studying.

Whoops.

Life has been interesting and exhausting, I would say.

Been to MPO which I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE. Thank you!!!


PGL-OMG-totally breath-taking. Even better than Mamma Mia! Malaysia Boleh, man.

Gala Closing at Actors Studio, BSC with Esther -totally spur-of-the-moment thing. Loved it to bits


SuperCamp Reunion at GIS


Class Fieldtrip to Terengganu - enjoyed our socks off eventhough we have two tests awaiting us when we arrived at ye ol' UM
On the other hand,
I've had tests every week, assignments to rush, presentations to make, meetings to attend, notes to entertain.

And I've been feeling really, really bad for having to FFK buddies blardy a lot of times these past weeks. I'm so so sorry. =(
Plus, haven't been home often too.
Fortunately, there's him to accompany me lar. Heh Heh.
But been busy even for him too, which made me feel even worse sometimes.

On the flip side, I've had the opportunity to experience a lot of things and learn many things that I know I ought to learn. I'm learning to love Pharmacy more now, and getting a little more freaked too, knowing that I'll graduate in a little over a year's time with barely anything in my blaaain.

We're getting more clinical which is awesome but more is expected of us now,too.
But that's only fair though.
It just makes me wish for more time to study or rather, for my beloved brain to automatically convert all information to long time memory rather than short term.
It's blardy frustrating to know that you've learnt them all just a week before but you just can't seem to pull them out of your grey matter in the cranium.

Ah, the beauty of cramming.

The beauty of memorizing,

For the sake of exams.

Totally shitty situation. I don't wish to be a pharmacist that knows nothing, but there's just so.many.things.to.know.

But I know I can survive this. Of course I can. *prep talk*
It's all about keeping things in perspective, wherein the passion lies.
Where oh where?

In a life of service and love.

And living to my fullest potential.

Dear friends, I wish you all that is in my power, for you to live the life that you Want to live, aligned to your heart, mind and soul.

I wish you peace and loads of light.
And a lot a lot of good food.
Hah.
I hope you are all keeping well and enjoying whatever you do, as you should. I really miss me buddies!

Muaks, hope to see y'all reeeaaal soon!

And he lives inside my head; my heart

Yes dear friends,

I'm in love.


....

And he loves me too.

....

Awesomeness.

....

Ask me the next time we meet, maybe.


...

I'm evil, am I not? Haha.

...


Toodles and smooches

A reason to love

I had this vision of me putting up a post summing up 2008 and welcoming 2009 with all the goodness I can muster and all the power words I could drag out of my brain.

But here I am, typing all this instead.

I had another vision too. An azam baru to turn into a new leaf and start studying, like you know, revising after class, starting early, the works.

But here I am, typing all this instead.

So what's a girl like me to do? A girl whose heart feels like one mashed up pulp of emotions unknown and unwarranted?

Sit and type all this instead.

Sigh.

So dear amy, how are you feeling today?

Randomness.

Right now, I'm disorientated by the fact that I could be so affected by another person. Like how you're so connected to another human being, a female, male or anyone in between that you just get so breathless by how influential they are in your life.

Each and every word is analyzed, each action thought about and intentions assumed. You start wondering about the emotional status of the other person and wonder whether what you did or say or will do will have some effect on him/her.

Kind of make you lose your sense of self, no?

So emotionally invested that a bridge is formed between that two souls, torturing, twisting, pulling and pushing.

That bridge that you can choose to either strengthen with strong will, silver effort and golden love

or weaken with selfishness and darkness.

But the greatest gift is honesty and unconditional love.

Like a wave, it hit me one night, the realization that I do not need a reason to love. For love in itself is something so good and pure that to love, is an ultimate gift you can give someone. It heals, it aches, it grows and it nurtures.

Why do I love her? Why do I love him?
Not because she's nice because if she's not at that moment, does that mean I love her less?

No reason to love. Love is all encompassing, all good and joyous.

But to love, I need to love myself first.
Unconditionally
and
without a reason.

Which needs some effort on my part.

But I’m not backing down anytime soon.