20 i wanna's..

1. I wanna save the world.
2. I wanna go off to the wilderness and save trees.
3. I wanna go halfway round the world and become a volunteer..which is stupid because there may be people right here in my neighbourhood who need help.
4. I want my life to be BIG. B-I-G. B-I-G.
5. I wanna travel around the world.
6. I wanna see things, taste things, feel things.
7. I wanna open a quaint bookstore filled to the brim with books, old books, that are dog-eared and stained.
8. I wanna open a chocolate cafe ala 'Chocolat'.
9. I wanna shop without worrying bout the price tag.
10. I wanna live by the sea.
11. I wanna play with small kids and yet are able to hand them back to their parents when they wail.
12. I wanna lie in a hammock and dream.
13. I wanna lie in a hammock and sip lemonade.
14. I wanna lie in a hammock and read a book.
15. I wanna lie in a hammock.
15. I wanna hang out with friends.
16. I wanna drink coffee and watch the world go by, in skirts and dresses and shirts and trousers.
17. I wanna lie on a beach and watch millions of stars.
18. I wanna act like a rich brat.
19. I wanna sing and dance like there's no tomorrow.
20. I wanna BE.

Shop around for the best bargains -- in life as well as in all things mercantile.

That's my horoscope for today.
Caught my eye just now when I was about to blog.

'Shop around for the best bargains'. How true it rings. Just in case you haven't already known or that you're lucky enough to not have heard my lament, I don't know what to do with my life.
Stop riiight about NOW if you're sick of my whining.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Option 1 : Medicine

Option 2 : Pharmacy

Option 3 : Bio studies

The thing is this, since I was young my ambition has always been to be a doctor. Naive and wanting only to help people, I always confidently answer 'DOCTOR' whenever anyone asked me what I wanna be when I grow up. Now, when I'm about to make the biggest decision of my life thus far, deciding where the rest of my life is going to head, which road I'm going to take, I'm not so sure.
Maybe asking A LOT of people for their opinions ain't such a good idea. All I got was a major headache and endless nights dreaming about this. I did. I thought about it even in my sleep. The 1 good thing about it is that at least I'm finding out the cold hard truth about a doc's life, no matter how bitter it is to swallow ( believe me, at times I wished I'd never known), before making the plunge. I absolutely do not want to think of it ONLY after I'm knee-deep in it. Sinking and sinking into the abyss of muddy waters.

One cousin said : Don't follow the herd mentality. Just because you did well and CAN get into medicine doesn't mean you HAVE to do medicine.

And another said : You can always help others in other ways.

Both of them are practising docs and so they know.

It's true. Just because I am blessed with what I've got, people immediately assume you're doing med. So what you gonna do? Med ar?
Okay, Okay, maybe I was the one who put the idea in their heads anyways.

I wonder whether other students are making as hard a decision to be a doc as I am? It's scary you know. AT least 15-20 years of studying and exams; stressful, frustrating working life, looong hours, life and death decisions. Sacrificing my social life (if i have one, that is ), lepaking and just doing nothing.
They say just follow your heart. As long as you have the passion. Do it if you know you don't mind the hours. Do what you like. Do whatever.

I worry that I may settle for 2nd best or 3rd? and that I'm actually afraid of taking up the challenge. I don't like people furrowing their brows in question Why aren't you doing medicine? Like pitying me or... something. I worry that I may pass up an opportunity of a lifetime. And at the very same time I worry that if I do go on with doing med, and then finding that it IS what they say it is, I might put all the advices people give to me freely and for my own good to waste.
It might be a classic case of I told you so!

SO I can do nothing but sigh.

SIgh.

I sincerely wish that you know what you want. And that you attain all the happiness in the world doing it.

As for me, I take comfort in knowing that my family supports me whichever way I go.

And whichever way I go, I'm gonna do my best.

That much I know for sure.

Updates !

Okay.
I'm reading biology notes in preparation for class tomorrow (oh horrors.. no holiday ! WhY?!) and at the same time checking my mail(3000 over unread...read : laziness), visiting Friendster, searching up some stuff at ask.com, watching t.v, or to be exact, listening to MTVs and erm writing T-H-I-S.
Long day tomorrow, staff meeting after school.
Sports Day was not too bad this morning up to afternoon, though I got baked in the process. The newly formed Kadet Polis won first place, followed by Puteri Islam and KRS. Rumah sukan was Perdana i think. BUT overall champ is Panglima... again!! YAY!!!
I'm proud of the Prefects and Pandus too!
Met up with the gang for lunch and then we adjourned to A&W's for floats. I only reached home at 5.30-ish.
We Absolutely cannot run away from the topic of our studies, Universities and our future; what we will be doing or rather, think we will be doing and what others are, should and will be doing. Arranged marriages, being drunk, astrology, termites, running away, food, STPM, string instruments and pore-ridden bricks got intermingled along the way.
Good company, YUMMY.

Oh yeah, people, go watch V for Vendetta.
Esther and I went in late (managed to get em tickets at the last minute) and it totally blew me away. At first we were so blur and couldn't understand what the hell was happening as the scenes were jumping from one to the next. But after that, I was transfixed.
Very different from other movies and the best thing was, IT WASN'T CENSORED!
Ooo.. Very liberal Censorship Board.
I was wondering whether someone sabotaged the cinema and played an uncut version on the big screen.
Or maybe the board finally regained back their senses.
Kudos !

On a separate note,
Only the other day I had a pre-quarter-life crisis. 20 is fast approaching and I'm a-wondering what I've done with my life.
Have I truly appreciated each sunrise?
Have I really made a difference in someone's life?
Have I stamped my mark in this world?
Have I really, truly celebrated life itself?
I really should.

The day after D-day

I feel blessed and I'm truly grateful. And I appreciate all of y'all thoughtfulness too, your sharing of my joy and your wishes. I felt the luurve.. and still feeling it !

I never knew one can go through that many kinds of emotions in one single day. Anxiety, nerves and fear accrued over 2 nights, culminating in restless slumber, really reared their ugly heads that morning. I was actually afraid that I might just pass out at the school's gate when the time comes.
Ironic that we had mood for Bak Kut Teh that morning before collecting them slips but we did.
We did the same when we went to collect our SPM results. I guess I was hoping that the Bak Kut Teh would extend the good luck that I had for SPM to cover STPM too. I mean, am I superstitious or what? I even wore something pinkish. I read somewhere my lucky colour's pink. Gosh.
Breakfast was a subdued affair, famished at first, but appetite quickly left. Imagine la, my hand was actually shaking as the hands of the clock that was directly in my line of sight starts moving towards 10.30 am.
Imagine getting a call from a teacher, the co-ordinator of Form Sixers who's in charge of obtaining our results, no less, during this time. Well, Yi Jiang did.
The teacher ended the call with, "You guys don't wanna know your results meh? It's out already!"
Not surprisingly, I did not finish my plate of rice.
Yi Jiang and I left for school first and I swear, it was the longest drive to school.

Throughout my life, I've always had other people telling me my results before I actually see it with my own 2 eyes. UPSR was Aaron's father, PMR was Pn Chalmah, SPM was Thava, and this time, STPM, it was Don and Gaya and teachers.
Before I had even stepped into the school compound Don was shouting our results from afar.
Thus, making it sort of anti-climatic when I actually opened the sealed slips.
(Yes, it was sealed, from 3 corners! I was like, "cannot open ! " )
Those who expected screaming and exclamations of joy were sorely disappointed.
Cool as cucumbers. Smooth.
But when I called my mom to tell her, the first person to know, I bawled.
I did !
Me, sim mei, actually cried.
My God.
Fortunately, I was in a corner so only a few teachers and a few friends saw.
I blame it on the lack of sleep.
Have I mentioned how grateful I am?
I am. I really am.

Now, I'm deciding on my future.
A future that is quite blurry, if not dark, and uncertain during these times, where you get disheartened by the numerous, numerous cases of brilliant students being denied places in not only prestigious universities, but universities, period.
Cases of them offering students who did well, unheard-of courses in universities flung to the other corner of Malaysia.
Cases of students giving up hope when hope is all they could hang on to. It's sad when the meaning of hope itself is so bullet-riddled by real life scenarios of injustice, the word itself cease to exist.
To those from whom this injustice is bred and very much alive : You're dealing with people, human resources, to build the whole nation upon. If you trade them for whatever reasons, it is yours to lose.
To no one in particular : Follow your heart and dreams,by all means do, but don't forget to wake up first.
My status now : Deciding whether to take this road or the next. Very much awake. Insomnia.

Thank you for your support dear, dear friends, beloved family and admired teachers.
I won't let you down.

Dear Void

I've been neglecting, I know !
Thousand apologies.
I know things could get worse but I can't get this feeling of dread out of me. Help?
I need a good dose of inspiration to kick myself out of this rut of self pity. Wallowing in this pit is no fun I tell you, no matter how hard your mind may convince you to think otherwise.
It could get much worse, dear, dear amy.

Gosh, the results are finally at our doorstep. I swear it's only been like yesterday we were celebrating our freedom from tuitions, books, kertas kajang's', 2B pencils and late nights cramming facts into our heads.
Ironic that I willingly embraced all of it back again, now, that I'm back in school..(not that I'm complaining!)
Seems like I have much to do and there's never a time when I can actually step back and exclaim, Yay, I've Nothing else to do. There's always something.
And that's what irks me and scares me half to death, realizing that I may one day be someone who just does stuff. Day in, day out. Like a robot. Nothing else to my name.
It's probably due to the fact that pretty soon I have to decide where I want my life to head, left or right, ahead, back, northeast, southwest, etc.
That scares me too, the future.

Dear friends and comrades-in-arms,
Monday and Thursday are just days, 2 days out of the thousands of days that you will encounter and choose how you wish to live it for the rest of your life.
A mother might be drowning in sorrow for the loss of a son halfway round the world,
A middle-aged man might be winning a lottery on Thursday,
A family may be finally able to eat after a Good Samaritan leaves a bread at their door, tomorrow, in a distant country.
No matter what happens, Take it, accept it and celebrate it.
Live it and run away with it,
The world's ain't seen the best of you yet.
If you need comforting, I'll be there.
And if I need comforting,I hope you'll be there for me too.
We're in this,
together-gether.
I'd like to think there's a bigger and ultimately better plan for each and every one of us.

First Day

My first day of school was quite fun, actually, though i suspect that was due to the fact that I was able to meet beloved teachers and dear friends again after so long. Lets hope the goodwill doesn't wear off.
Oh k.
I'll be teaching Science, form 5 in Malay, Biology, form 4 in English and PJK form 3 in whatever.
Came back riiiight in time for English Week and debates.. whee!
I'll do my best to teach and guide, support and help,
I'll do my best to not let you down, alma mater!

Back to school!

2 days after coming home, catching up on my lost sleep, the telephone rang early in the morning.
Blurry, " Hello?"

It was Pn. Chong.

I have a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach that someone up there doesn't want me to rest and laze my butt off.

"Are you working right now?"

"Erm, currently no lor."

"Interested in coming back to school to teach for 2 months? Biology and Maths for Form 4 and 5. The teacher has gone on maternity leave. You can start tomorrow. It's paid on on a daily basis, holidays won't be counted in."

"......."

Thought about it, asked people's opinions on it and I decided to go for it. To go to school the next morning. At 7 am.

This morning, I woke up late.

Feeling guilty, I rang her up ( she was pretty busy the whole morning) and she said I could go tomorrow.

Deep breath.

I'm going back to school.

Recruited to the other side.

Wish me luck ! I need Loads of it.

Well, at least I could find out whether teaching is the right calling for me.

S.M.K.T.A.R, here I go, again.

say oh! la la..say oh! part II

Oh la la Langkawi..!
Put a bunch of 20 year-olds on a parent-less 5-day holiday in a legendary island of sorts and all you'll get is a memory that's pretty hard to forget.
Put a bunch of 20 year-olds on a parent-less 5-day holiday in a 5 star resort of crystal clear blue water, sandy white beach, scorching bright sun, million of stars and green, tranquil forest, you'll get a memory that you'll never forget.
Now, add airplanes, road trips, digital cameras and *ahem* very cheap duty-free stuff, that's a memory you'll never ever forget.
Thank you Langkawi, for your generous hospitality.

pictures are courtesy of four cameras, mine, yi jiang's, li wei's and woei jye's.

Day 1
Woohoo ! My very first time on an airplane. Finally got to go to K.L.I.A. to send myself off instead of other people. I get to check-in, mind you. A slight case of nerves at the beginning, but totally enjoyed it, considering the view from up there is absolutely wonderful. Gracias for disturbing me all the way and filling my head with horrifying scenarios of crashing and burning.

Upon landing and collecting our Renault 7-seater in fiery red, off we went, with maps in hand to the Underwater World. 25 bucks is a bit pricey, but what the heck. Cute waddling penguins, sleeping beavers and humongous fish made my day!

Man, Berjaya Langkawi Beach and Spa was incredible. Full of Mat Sallehs, foreigners and rich-looking people, to say that we were out of place would be one huge understatement. I can sense them thinking, Must be datuks' and datins' sons and daughters la, if not how to afford?!

Our chalet was one of the last few at the very top of the hillside where chalets are built in and around pristine forests, accesible by a narrow road only meant by their hotel buggies. 24-hour service, where you need only call them and they'll come pick you up right at your doorstep.

I absolutely adore the place. I couldn't think of anywhere else to be.It's like my own version of heaven. A beautiful beach, hotel-like interior(with lots of pillows, now that may seem like a small thing, but trust me, it's important) and a jungle-like exterior. Trees all around! Monkeys may even sneak into the room if you aren't watchful. Saw a family of them, but they were kind enough to leave us alone.

This here is my idea of a perfect evening.

And the rest thought I'd gone bonkers or was depressed or something. No worries, I was not!

Step onto the resort beach in the afternoon and it's like you've been transported to an Australia or US. Bikini-clad women and half naked men laze around sunbathing. No Asians in sight. Probably all cooped up in air-con rooms, God forbid they should let the sun touch them.

Day 2

We went driving 'round the island, stopping by at tourist destinations along the way. Tiring but fun, Hot, bothered but educational. Pictures galore!

First up, The Seven Wells waterfall. This one is located halfway up the hill. Cool, clean water!

Black Sand Beach. The whole beach wasn't black but there were spots of black here and there la.

Caught in the act of stealing some sand. Hey, can't blame me for wanting some sort of souvenir without having to pay. There's plenty to go around anyway!

Air Hangat Village.

Just a little well with bubbling water. Supposedly contain the highest amount of sulphur in the whole of Southeast Asia.

Durian Perangin Waterfall. Huffed and Puffed all the way up to see this.

Makam Mahsuri, or rather, Kota Mahsuri was surprisingly entertaining and educational. The fact that her descendents are still alive lends a mysterious aura of fact blended with fiction around the infamous story of her being framed and of course, her white blood and curse. No photos inside the museum, but took some outside though. There were wooden houses there, of which, it seems, used to be residences of Mahsuri and the people connected to her, and her story.

As luck would have it, we managed to catch the sunset over at the Eagle's Square. Marvelous!

Day 3

The whole day was spent on what was an interesting and overall, fun Island hopping trip. Thank goodness it was a bright and sunny day. So bright that by the time we were done, we were barbequed beyond help.

Got dunked whilst on a Banana Boat ride in Tasik Dayang Bunting, a beautiful fresh water lake. While wearing a life jacket of course. (I'm not That adventurous, I don't wanna drown!)

Have you ever had fish tckle your feet? You should. You just might scream your head off.

Stopped by at the Beras Basah Beach.

And watched feeding eagles.

Exhausted, off we trooped back to the chalet and stayed there til dinner time.

Late at night, we stayed up at the beach, watching the millions of luminous stars that seems so near and surreal. I even caught a falling star! (not literally, of course) of which I wished a little wish. Played silly campfire games and made so much noise that thank goodness the other chalets weren't so nearby, or else we'd have beach slippers thrown at us.

Day 4

Went on the cable car ride up to Mount Mat Cincang. The view up there is simply breathtaking. Indescribable.

There's a suspension bridge up on the mountain too. Not your usual rackety wooden bridge, bear in mind, you're hundreds of feet from the ground; but a steel one, beautiful, nonetheless.

This sign on the bridge had me burst out laughing. Amusing. I'm sure it succeded in deterring people from climbing.

After rounds of shopping for souvenirs, liquour and chocolates ( I went home with 2 bags), we drove, okay, sped to the nearest beach, Pantai Chenang, I think, with take-away McDs to catch the last sunset in Langkawi. We did reach there in time, but the dang clouds covered the sun. And the numerous mosquitos spoilt the fun a little. Not as romantic as it seems. Oh well.

Day 5

Almost woke up late( courtesy of us going to bed only at 5 a.m.) but managed to make the flight just the same.

The flight back home.

Excited to get back home and yet sad to leave the sun and sea.

Til next time,

au revoir Langkawi !

Langkawi 2006