Just surfin' surfin' surfin'

Dei.

Online Shopping is so blardy easy!

and Cheap!

Ohmaigosh...

Should I, should I not?

The million dollar question indeed.

ARGH.

I know that...[1]

I know Oprah has been doing this since the inception of 'O'; but an article that I read today on this-personal truths caught my eye and spirit.

So I think I'd want to to start a series on my personal truths, whenever they hit me. My 'A-ha' moments (gotta love Mama Oprah), things that I know to be true, probably interspersed with my values, if you will.

...

Part 1 :

I know for sure that things happen for a reason.

In life, oftentimes we face forked stoned-paved paths that curved downwards, blocking what is ahead from our view. The left one? or the right? Uncertain of what's ahead, we get crippled by fear. And we find ourselves standing at this crossroads for the longest time, head and heart askew.

Or while we are happily skipping on a chosen path, we tripped on a stone and fall, tumbling onto the road, or the grassy bank. And we find ourselves sitting there for the longest time, nursing a scraped knee, tears welling-up, threatening to be free.

As things unfold, we question ourselves, we think of the Why. We question the Universe, we converse with God. We curse, we could not understand or we don't want to, sometimes.

But as we pick ourselves up and take the first step towards a chosen road; as we stick a plaster to our knee (after washing with clean water and applying antiseptic), we find that we are now open to opportunities that would not have been there if not for that experience, that perceived injustice that had happened to us.

And we find that we are not alone in this, that our backs and buttocks are always being supported, that the choices we make will work out in the end. For both roads are perfect and right in its own special way.

With a plastered knee we trod along, the roses still bloom, the leaves of the trees still sway oblivious. And everything comes into place in its own time. Highly probable that it may not be tomorrow, or the day after, but in its own time. And when that arrives, we realize that we are blessed.

For the human experience, is a journey. A journey of little moments-the jolts and brakes; the light and pretty.
Either way, a journey without an end.
Just the way it's supposed to be.

I forgot the password to my Blog

Dear Blog,

Esther mentioned about my blog being, well, very much dead - which is true, for I have not visited it myself for the past 3 months? I didn't have the urge to write, even in my own Diary - private until the death, that's for sure.

But I picked up the pen again, the other day and well here I am, finding myself typing 'pottypopiah.blogspot.com' on that white thingy you type URL's in. I'm not techno-savvy enough to know what it's called. Not even sure if the term URL is even correct. URL : Ultra Rightist Leftie?

Life has been interesting, life has been a blessing, life has been rough; life has been very fickle with me. And dear Hao Shen, I'm still bubbly and I love life, always in awe of the awesomeness in the air we breathe; but I think I'm more cynical now [ which I don't like very much, I might add :( ] Maybe one day I will lose that, it's a phase I need to get through. :)

I guess life throws me lessons that I need to learn, necessary for me to grow and be more centred, whole and true.

I'm going to graduate soon, onto a new phase of life. Excited? A little. Terrified? You have no idea, man. Being a true blue Taurean, change is not my best friend but nothing is ever constant but change. I'm changing, to receive change. To embrace it with all my heart.

I'm truly blessed, life has been enlightening. I'm grateful I don't have to pay back my PTPTN (Hahahahaaha *delirious)
and my Thesis went well, after all that stress; truly a manifestation of everything happening for a reason.

and

if I am incredibly lucky to get that award that come with that oh-so-mouth-watering cash prize, I'm able to pay back my parents and my education is F-R-E-E! Which is what I've always wanted.

I was happy to be shortlisted of course, but it wasn't foremost on my mind. But then..after the interview and learning how much it would mean- oh man. I really really want it! The other students who were there deserve it too I know, and I know deep down that I would be happy for the person who wins it.

But macha, winning it would be crazy wei.

I'm grateful for the chance lar of course.
So stop dreaming about it already! But I really want to make a Valedictorian speech-like you see in movies? Although people might be busy cam-whoring, but thinking bout it gives me goosebumps.

Oh well, either way, I'm grateful. *silent prayer*

Thank you. :)

Can't sleep

Tired?

What about me?

Nothing to say.

Saaaaturday

Honesty's the best policy, as they always say - most irritatingly.

But that's what I want, at this conjuncture of life- to be more honest with myself and the people around me.

Being nice is hard, it's tiring, it's quite some energy-sucking monster.

I want to be true, to be good to the core of me, to have a heart, a heart of warmth and kindness.

Kindness.

Now there's a word I don't hear often. Or often enough.

Oh man. I don't feel like myself recently, seems easily irritated.

Which is why I'm glad I'm home. Keeps me grounded. And safe. And I feel more like me again. Wholesome. Yeah, right.

...

Thoughts manifests themselves into reality, interestingly.

I was missing the gang, and Pei Sze came back and we had drinks at Jeth on Friday night.

Was thinking bout Popeye's and the family and I had that for dinner.

I kind of lost touch with Chandhu, and we met up for breakfast today. =D

Was thinking bout Esther, and I met her parents and aunt at the Optometrist's. Okay maybe that one was a bit off. But still.

And I went to watch a movie with the family after soooo long.
Was sitting there and wondering when was the last time we went to the movies together. Almost a year I think. The dynamics have changed quite a bit as now I'll watch with Adam; parents will watch every Weds by themselves (sometimes even on Tuesdays) and brother...well, he has my cousin, or he'll happily go alone.

But today, there were the four of us. Two buckets of popcorns and as usual, brother and I gobbled up parents' share as well.

And as I sat there, I remember....



That my dad likes to comment during movies.

A lot.

and Loudly.


And I had to shrink in my seat. lol.

But I love him anyways.

...

And I had McDonaldswantanmee,sweetpotatoes,sakaesushi,toastbread,currychicken,popcorn,BBQplaza today

Yum.

and I love my bed.

And I should study or at least work on my thesis.

But I'm sleepy...

and I think I should sleep.

Yes yes yes.

I should.

.....

And oh! It was raining and I was walking to class and...random poetry. What's better than randomness?

Murder is in the smell of the
Rain
The skies are heavy,
With droplets
And it poured.
Oh it poured.

Lightning sparked across the skies
It THUNDERED.
Oh it thundered
And blood gushed...down.

The dirty stains
Drew patterns
on the muddy soaked floor.
Spoke of heartless killings
Cold. Bloody. Shiver.

Oh when it rained
Murder reigned.

Peer closely,
See the snuffed lives
On the floor,
See pieces

Pieces of the soul.

Look closely,
and see

Ye crushed, murdered

Snails.

10 minutes break. Oh wait. it's 15 already. Shit.

Luck.

Simple word eh? But fuyooo...brought about so many question marks.

Luck.

It used to be so easy, when people ask me, how did you do so well in exams?
I find myself inadvertently answer, "Well, I was lucky."
Because I felt like I did not do extra nor do something so very exceptional. I wasn't a true-blue 10-hours-a-day studying type. The truth was, nothing makes me happier than to laze on the couch with the TV or with a good book. Which, to many felt like a complete and utter untruth.

When in actual fact, I do, completely and utterly tend to laze my butt off.

So I got straight A's.
Luck?

And I got my first choice for University applications.
Luck?

I thought so.
Until I felt as if my luck ran out, not too long ago.


Which got me thinking, was it really luck or was I being naive,
Or am I just trying to make myself feel better.

Already swirling thoughts was made even more tornado-like when there was this article on this topic on the Sunday Star. About how, it's not about luck, it's about seizing every opportunity there is and being open to looking for these opportunities.


Hmmm. Makes sense, no?

I don't know.

I do know that it has a little to do with belief.
So what if it wasn't really luck, or whether ye' ol' Lady Luck is alive and well.

If I believe that things will turn out good and that the Universe is looking after moi,

It will.

At this moment at least, I do feel that yes, our fate is in our hands, but.

There's nothing wrong with having a little faith.

And emptiness now and then.

....

Adoi.....

I have faith that all will be good...and my thesis will be awesome!

AwEsOmE

Awesome?

a.w.e.s.o.m.e.

The universe will take care of me one...hor?

I should be studying but.

I really don't know what to do,
Except to stay here and wait,
Patiently for you.


I am myself, I am me.
But I am lost
Inside of you.


I need to search,
The lost me-
And stand.
On my feet.


To stay here waiting,
Waiting for you.

Idle time

Time is a-fleeting by like nobody's business.
Trying to catch but to no avail.
Life's a-filled with much, sometimes mesiness;
But behold, self will prevail.


Reading about Ah Fook in The Star (the disabled keropok seller who spent Chinese New Year alone) brought unexpected tears to my eyes.

Because in spite of all the fatigue and the happenings that might look remotely like faeces, I'm still blessed.

Yeap.

Thinking of blessings seems harder to do, but when you do it - it blows you away.

...

So with the whole lot of thinking that had to be done, in spite of it all, I had some time to think about me. About who I am as a person and how I perceive others:

1. I've realized that I love eating breakfast.

2. And eating it alone.

3. That I'm more sensitive to others' feelings than I thought.

4. And that, the reverse is not true.

5. That I need to look out for myself more

6. But how to, when selflessness is perceived as good?

Dilemma, dilemma.

8. That I'm quite contradictory

9. No, I'm not.

lol.

10. Yes, I am.

11. That I think too much

12. Think waaay too much

13. That I have to learn to stick to one, and go with the flow. No turning back! Not a peek!

14. That common chivalry and courtesy is wafting slowly away..*pew pew* *bye bye*

15. That asking is so blardy difficult.

16. And scolding too.

17. But that both are absolutely necessary.

18. That life is good and sweet.

19. And nothing beats a favourite tune coming on, when you least expect it. *dum dum*

20. That a child's cheeky smile reminds you that all is good.

21. That I'm not perfect.

22. That lesson has yet to sink into my grey matter in my head.

23. But will, eventually.

24. That I need to recover my faith.

25. In myself.

26. That I hate period cramps

27. That life is not a dress rehearsal (there's only one!) [read this in a book]

28. That I am me. he he he

29. Silly, gila, naughty, serious, calm, chaotic, random

30. Me.

Gobble Gobble

Pharmacy Night is a week away

....Shiiiiiit-ake mushroom.

Global Youth Symposium

....

Test next week

...

THESIS

...

Health Marathon

......

@$%^%^!#@# !!!!

Fuyoh.

I need a break. But a break seems elusive.

A bit farneee no? I always say I need rest but I seem to take on more and more.
It's a disorder I need to fix.
I need an emotional and mental check-up really.

How nice if I can gobble up everthing and have nothing on my plate.

I would savour every taste with utter relish.

Yum.
Chocolate coated projects, difficult people roasted with potatoes and mayo and tuna.

Yum Yum.
Mashed paperwork with steamed speeches and scrambled grammar check.
Strawberries-topped phone calls and fried restless nights-hokkien styled.

Delish.

Oh what's that?

I cleaned my plate? Already?

...

And oh.

Don't worry too much about me, I'm alright =)

If my posts seem very emo, its just that my blog's the only avenue to vent emo stuff. Which is healthier than keeping it in, no?

Having said that, I'm still me. Older, wiser and a less wet behind the ears.

Banyak orang banyak ragam.
Memang benar kata orang tua-tua.

I'm sorry.

I'm tired.

I'm tired it's my fault.

I'm tired of always having to carry baggage in my heart.

To not let it go.




Just. tired.

Justwanttoliedownandcryandsleep.

Time

365 days of laughter and memories.


365 days of love.

Happy Anniversary Dear,

Love,
Baby.

Indeed

I should do the things that I want to do.

Sometimes.

It's just that I have to know what I want to do in the first place.

And sometimes, it's not as easy as it seems.

tick tock

8 a.m
The cock crows
The newspaper beckons

9 a.m.
We love OPRAH!!!
and
Food too, of course

10 a.m.
Dad's home
To the land of internet we go!
The laptop's switched on....*tap tap tap fingers on table*

11 a.m.
Going bonkers with e-mails

12 p.m.
Seeing circles on monitor screeen
Where's my FoOOOD?!?

12.30 p.m.
Food arrives =D =D =D Happy Me.
Sudah habis The Star, The Sun pulak.

1 p.m.
Tap Tap Tap on keyboard and/or
other things to do

2 p.m.
as above

3 p.m.
as above

4 p.m.
boring kan?

5 p.m.
Where's mom?!?

5.30 p.m.
Sudah datang!


My life for now.

Guilty as charged

Guilt Guilt Guilt Guilt.


*Sigh.

This is what happens when you're at home and your thesis is only yours to do.

You PROCRASTINATE!


*Slaps self x 1000*

Flip Flip Flip

Am flipping through (like pages) blogs / sites offering clothes/accessories for sale; triggered by Esther's tales of getting a hair straightener.

I'm supposed to be doing my thesis.

I must say, things are actually pretty cheap! And very the tempting.

But cannot lar. Something's stopping me. The Penang kiam-siapness probably. Heh.

Though I do sometimes wonder what it would be like if I would loosen my purse strings a little *wriggly fingers like Ebenezer Scrooge* for pretty little things to wear and twirl in. Look at me Look at me!

haih. But no.

Not now. Now I'm just a pig-nerd-in-glasses; whose spending is limited to good food and loads of books to add to the collection; untouched and unread yet.

I'm thinking maybe later, when I earn my own money? Then I'll probably be the first in line to shopping malls. Buying trendy things that make people's eyes pop. For good reasons of course. Because I'm so darn hot that's why.

And buying my mom a designer bag.

OMG. My goals so materialistic one. Beh tahan. lol.


But shit la.

The cocktail dresses online are so drool-worthy.

Donkey betul. -__-

Random

It's not easy managing people.

People step all over my head like crazy.

I can be nice,

But please don't take advantage of me.

Because I can blow up one day. And then you better run for cover.

Eyes Half Shut

Sometimes I wish all the Gods in this world would merge and become one, instead of people exclaiming that theirs is the one true God.
Blasphemous?

I don't know.

What is right, what is wrong?

Who goes to heaven, and who to hell?
Disturbing ain't it, when people are condemned automatically to the depths of the fire.

I found that disturbing when I was younger, and it is disturbing to me still.
But with eyes more open now, it seems to me that humans are their worst enemy.
Distortions and twists, all borne out of fear and self-centeredness.

The ME in everyone, that feeds off glory and attention and perceived greatness.
That I am right, therefore you're wrong.
If I can prove you're wrong, therefore I'm right.

Which brings me to the question again,
What is right, what is wrong?

Mere words, that's what.

Sometimes it seems to me that the more I read, the more confused I get.
Hmmm.
I do believe in God
I believe what I believe and
I guess

that's it.
...

I woke up today with pretty bad swollen eyes.
Been thinking a lot.

Had breakfast, cleared my work and did my things.
Thought a lot.

Dropped by at the library and found a book that I've been dying to read:
Paul Coelho's The Alchemist
And it made me think too.

Made me think about life, love and everything in between.

Impermanence; that life is only worth what you lived it to be.
What is ours will fade away, for it is not ours to hold on to, at the very beginning.

Surrender; to live in the moment and to surrender.
To live and- if to die, it is as a good a day to die than any day.

Peace; beauty is around us if only we lift our heads to see it as it is.
Beautiful as always. Things will fall into place, for nothing else if not for the best.


The value of me, the value of who I am and what I believe in, the value of my actions and its consequences.

Of the truth I am afraid no longer.


As hard as it is for me to see it.
I have to learn,


That I am worth it.

Sunday

It's Sunday night and I'm bored out of my wits.

Tears come for no reason and then they go away.

The highs and lows are back again, Feli.
Just when I thought that it was over.

But I have faith that it will go away. That I'll be stronger. That the both of us will be stronger. I'm 200% positive about that.

I believe that with all my heart.

....

Had fun with parents today.
Did a little bit of shopping, finally!
And gave mom her birthday present.
It's a pair of pink pearl earrings which luckily she liked; though I bought her earrings for her birthday countless times before. Heh.

Oh well, only like what 3 times only ma.
When you've bought so many birthday prezzies for the mom, you kind of run out of things to buy.
Wait la har. When I've earned loads of moo-lah, I'll buy her a holiday or some designer bag which I know she really wants but cannot afford.

Till then, hope that my love would make the small gifts suffice! *grins

....

I'm staying back in college out of choice.
For thesis sake and to settle a lot of things pending.

I thought I'll be okay, with the one I love being so close.
Closer than if I was home.
I figured we'd spend more time together, now with exams out of the way.



But right now I feel so blardy alone.



Ever more so than ever.

Rain rain go away

Esther : Why your blog ah, always so depressing posts one.

Me : *grins* Depressed only have to express mar, so mah express on this void that is cyberspace lo.


Anyways, if its happy times, I'll tell people personally one. Malas want to write. Heh.

So in the spirit of this,

This post is also to exclaim that,

There's a cloud hanging over my head.
Sigh. I'm sure the cloud will go away very, very soon.


please?

I need a clearer head with sleep but sleep is avoiding my like a plague

Sometimes I wonder,


What have I gotten myself into?

Is it all that worth it?

...

Experienced the raw manifestation of sheer tactlessness today.

And what I absolutely beh tahan is that I allowed them to see me in a moment of weakness.

When I so needed strength- it deserted me.
A distinct reminder yet again, that I am only human.


I'm never quick to anger, but in this case -
I really cannot see the sincere intentions of it all; other than hypocrisy and narcissism.
At least at this very moment.


Which is really, very sad.


Belittling people covered in a thin, translucent shroud of an excuse;
dosn't justify the meaning of service in the smallest sense.


If you can't see that, then I wish you a happy life.
Like, sincerely.